Being Strong Enough To Walk Away

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I’m not.

I wish I was.

I am someone who forgives and lets things slide, until I don’t anymore.  Once I’m done, I’m done.  It just takes me longer to get there than most people.

For those of you who may have read my old blog, you are familiar with the Accidental Relationship.  For those of you who think I’m a lunatic because you read so many blogs every day, you couldn’t possibly remember the Accidental Relationship, let me give a Reader’s Digest version of him.

I met him over two years ago.  When we met, he was honest and told me he had a girlfriend, but they were on again / off again.  When the were ‘off again’, him and I started hanging out a little and having amazing sex.  Well, once you have great sex and like someone, it’s hard to quit seeing them and having sex with them.  FACT.  I knew she existed and chose not to think about her or care.  If he didn’t, why should I?  I know.  Please stop judging me.

Anyway, we became good friends over the two years.  He was good to me when Amy passed away, rotated my tires for me and confided in me when it came to his kids and parents.  We were genuinely friends.  We even went almost a year without having sex!  Just hanging out and being friends.

I put up with a lot of white lies, a lot of flaking on his part.  But since he was honest with me from the beginning about her, I found it difficult to blame him for anything.  I took all the blame.  Right or wrong, I did.

So he eventually became someone I confided in and counted on.  As unreliable as he was, he was my steadiest relationship, since my divorce.  He was my Accidental Relationship.  I don’t know how it happened or when it happened, but it did.

In February, I was given some information about some things he had said about me.  I was pissed.  I sent him a scathing text message and then proceeded to block him from contacting me.  It took two years, lots of tears, lots of hurt feels and a million times of being embarrassed, before I put my foot down.

Disclaimer: Turns out the person who gave me the information, hates me and most likely lied to me about the things that were said. 

In the last year, I have cut several friends / lovers out of my world.  It hasn’t been easy, but I have gotten to the point where I don’t need the negativity and anger.  I don’t need to feel stalked, uneasy, used or unloved.  I don’t need “friends” who make me feel small or worthless.

I am good enough at tearing myself down, I don’t need one person to help with that.

So I guess I’m learning.  I guess I’m finding my inner strength.  But boy, it ain’t easy.

The 29 year old makes me happy.  He makes me smile.  He makes me feel good about myself.  He makes me feel young and vibrant and beautiful.  WHEN. WE. ARE.  TOGETHER.

It’s now been three and one half weeks since we have seen each other.  Two of those weeks were when he was doing his Army reserve thing, so I’m not mad about that.  But he’s been back for 5 days now.  He’s been working but I have barely heard from him.

Here is my dilemma.

I’m getting to a point where this is more work and stress than fun and good.  I like him but I don’t believe anything anymore.

On Wednesday, he asked me what I was doing on Friday.  Nothing.

On Thursday, I didn’t hear one word from him.

Today, Friday, I texted him this morning.

Me: Good morning handsome.

Him: Good morning sexy

(I swoon)

Me: Am I gonna get to see you tonight?

Him: (3 hours later) I hope so.  Depends on when I get done

Ooooohhhh, ok then.  I’ll take that as a no.

I won’t see him tonight.

Do I walk away?

Do I remember what my grandmother told me when I was a teenager?  She said “Relationships, romantic or friendships, should never be more work than they are fun.”

I don’t know that I’m strong enough to walk away.

I don’t know that I want to walk away.

I don’t know that I don’t.

Is it fair to punish him for working so much?

I don’t know the answers.

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4 thoughts on “Being Strong Enough To Walk Away

  1. I am probably not much help, but I agree with your grandmother. if it’s not fun, why do it? Another person who you have chosen to be with should enhance your life, not make it more taxing. I know it’s easier said than done though. x

    And I just wanted to say I like your blog name haha

    Liked by 1 person

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