I am someone who needs closure and needs to understand situations.
I do not do well when I have to guess what you are thinking or feeling or what you may be trying to say to me.
I have a tendency to stew over things and talk them over with friends, until I feel like I have a good grasp on things.
It drives me crazy. I KNOW it drives my friends crazy. People that don’t have this obsessive personality, will never understand what goes on in my head, every single day.
I constantly tell my friends (and myself) that I am so confused about men and what they want or expect from me.
A few weeks ago, I went to see the 41 year old. It was a Saturday night and he had already been drinking by the time I got there. I had a beer with him and we were chatting. He’s very smart and has a really bad habit of making me feel stupid when we are talking. I’m not a stupid girl, but he makes me feel that way. It doesn’t mean I’m stupid just because I don’t know every instrument in every band, just by listening to it.
Anyway, on this particular night, we had a little difference of opinion on something. I got my feelings hurt and was ready to leave. He couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I told him that my feelings were hurt and we talked it out. I took something out of context that he said. We talked about it and then moved on. And by “moved on”, I mean we had amazing sex.
After the sex, this was the conversation we had.
Him: Do you think I’m your soulmate?
Me: No, probably not.
Him: Ok then we are on the same page. I like you. A lot. But I can’t offer you anything more than this right now. I won’t ask you if you are seeing anyone else, because I’m just not that guy.
Me: Ok. Fair enough. If you ever get to a point where you want it to be exclusive, we’ll talk about it. I’d be on board to try it.
*About 30 minutes pass*
Him: What do you think about “us”?
Me: Well, I think we get along great. I like you. But I’m happy with what is going on here. (I’m not really, but I told him that)
Him: Ok good. Me too.
Me: What do you think about “us”?
Him: What? There is no “us”. We are just friends.
Me: (fighting back tears) Oh, ok.
*Another round of sex and about an hour later*
Him: You know, I like where things are with you. Who knows? You may be my soul mate.
So, I went from nothing, to there is no “us” to a possible soul mate. In about 2 hours. Geez…I can’t imaging why I might be confused.
Now, the 29 year old completely blew me off this weekend. We were supposed to see each other on Friday night and I had to text him in the evening to see if that was still happening. He responded with a “sorry” and that he was still working.
I didn’t hear from him all weekend. I didn’t text him and he didn’t text me.
It has been almost 4 weeks since I have seen him.
This morning, I wake up the this:
Him: Good Morning beautiful. Do you think you’d be able to come visit me in (CA city he’s in) this week?
Me: Good morning. Maybe. Depends on my work schedule.
Him: Ok let me know. I miss you!!!
Yep. Three exclamation points. A very emphatic “I miss you”, according to texting etiquette.
Me: I miss you too.
On one hand, I think he does miss me and genuinely likes me. On the other hand, it’s been brought to my attention that maybe he just isn’t in to me anymore. I’m not sure what to think or believe anymore.
I can’t imagine why I’m confused.
On the flip side of my confusion, I have a tendency to confuse others, without intent.
For those of you who may have read my old blog before, you may remember Mr. Rocker. He was the one who has liked me for over a year, took me a Kiss / Def Leppard concert last year and who I kissed on my birthday last year when I was drunk.
Well apparently in Mr. Rocker’s World, this meant we were married.
I didn’t want a relationship with him. We are dear friends, but there is NO attraction. None. Not one little bit.
He creeped me out by rubbing my feet in public. Just took off my flip flops and started rubbing my feet. IN. PUBLIC.
Anyway, I have been pretty good about keeping my distance. I never text him suggestive texts or pictures. I never feed in to his flirting. I make sure to tell him how much I appreciate his “friendship”. Literally, every chance I get.
HOWEVER, this weekend we were at a barbecue that some mutual friends from karaoke were having. I was pissed off at the young one and had way too much to drink. I mean WAY TOO MUCH to drink.
Mr. Rocker was being sweet, as he always is, and I kissed him. Dammit. He wanted to come home with me and thank goodness I drew the line before all that nonsense.
It will never happen with us. EVER. I’m not attracted to him and would hate to jeopardize my friendship with him. But I can see why he’d be confused. Once a year, I just decide I need to kiss him. Ridiculous.
This morning, he sent me a text telling me he was in bed, naked. And hoped it made me smile.
No. It didn’t.
So my life is one big ball of mass confusion these days.
I am confused and I am causing others to be confused.