Today, I read a post by one of my favorite bloggers. He has also become a friend over the last year.
He said that if you are going to write, don’t be afraid write about something that frightens, embarrasses, saddens or angers you. That isn’t an exact quote, but you get the gist.
You know, there are a lot of things in this big old world that anger me, frighten me and embarrass me.
Charles Manson. School shootings. Cancer.
But this morning, I was texting another friend of mine about the situation with the 29 year old. I realized while texting him, that I have some serious fears when it comes to relationships.
I am terrified of rejection. Don’t get me wrong, I think everyone hates the feeling. No one wakes up in the morning, thinking “Wow, maybe I’ll get rejected today!” And frankly, if they do, they are crazier than I am.
I find myself walking on eggshells with guys and having internal debates about sending certain text messages. This morning, I literally asked three different people, THREE, what, if anything, I should send to the 29 year old, to get some answers about “us”.
THREE different people. My 22 year old sister, a guy friend who is my age and a co-worker who has been married for 39 years and is about 15 years older than me.
Eight days away from my 40th birthday and I literally asked the opinion of three different humans on how to handle a dating situation with someone who hasn’t even hit his 30’s yet. He’s not even “middle-aged” yet and I’m probably more than half done with my life.
So after reading Matt’s post today, I started thinking about my fears when it comes to dating. The other fears are just too big to blog about.
Why was I so concerned about what I was going to send to the 29 year old? Why did I need the opinion of so many people, when MY feelings are the ones that are hurt? MY head is the one that is confused. MY heart is the one that is sad. I shouldn’t need anyone else’s approval or opinion when it comes to telling him or asking him anything.
I do not want to say the wrong thing to anyone. I do not want to give anyone a reason to misinterpret me or think anything negative about me. I do not want the 29 year old to read a text from me and think What a bitch! or Fuck her then! I’m concerned, always, about what others think about me.
It has always been a fear of mine. This is probably the thing I hate most about myself (besides my fat) but I don’t know how to change it. I do not know how not be concerned about what may or may not hurt other people’s feelings, when my feelings and well being are in question.
**Update: text between me and the 29 year old**
Me: Good morning. I’ve been thinking about you and ‘us’. I’m not sure where we stand.
Him: What you mean babe?
Yah, I haven’t responded. I think in his mind, nothing is wrong and now I’m worried about responding the wrong way. I’m thinking on it.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…it’s been over an hour since he responded.
Anyway, in the midst of reading Matt’s blog, thinking about my fears and trying to figure out what to text the young one, I was texting my guy friend looking for advice and just venting really.
A quick run down of my story with him. We met almost 3 years ago, online. Yes. Plenty of
Assholes Fish let me down again. Anyway, we had a very quick, passionate relationship. We started talking online, then texting, then sending dirty messages and pictures. The first time we met, face to face, we had sex. Stop slut-shaming me. We saw each other maybe 10 times in a 4-6 month period. It was nice. As brief as it was. I have had cheap panties last longer.
He ended up giving me some bullshit story about money and like a dumbass, I loaned him $240. He needed it and I had it. So it was a no-brainer for me. I never saw him again and never saw the money. Actually he dropped off the face of the Earth and I ended up hating him.
Well, about 9 months ago, I was looking at wineries in the area, for a girls day and there was his face. On a Facebook winery page. Employee That Nailed The Most Drunk Girls or Employee Of The Month. Something like that.
I went to his Facebook page and noticed that he had twin babies. About 9 months old. Huh. I did the math, because frankly, girls are better than the FBI when it comes to stalking and figuring shit out. Turns out, the baby momma was pregnant with those twins, when he borrowed the money from me. Shocking that I never saw that money again.
I ended up sending him a private message on Facebook, because I’m
crazy curious. We ended up chatting. Eventually exchanging phone numbers again.
He has apologized profusely to me for the way he treated me. He says he was in a bad place and was in a tailspin that he didn’t know how to get out of. Then when the baby momma got pregnant, he had no choice but to get his life together. Apparently he has.
I have forgiven him. I will never forget, but I do forgive. People get in bad places. Life feels out of control sometimes. And it really does take a big person to apologize. However, the subject of the money has never come up. Again, shocking.
He’s the one that I was texting this morning about the 29 year old. In the middle of our texts, I was trying to convey to him how I never felt loved, truly 100% loved, by a man. That I felt like a failure and that I must be doing something wrong. That it couldn’t always be “them”. I was telling him that my daughter’s father told me that I didn’t deserve the ring he bought for me. That I didn’t deserve to get married.
This was his response to me:
I thought it was pretty nice. I don’t know if it is all bullshit or not, but I’m hoping not.
I do not claim to be perfect. I am actually very, very far from perfect. But I do care. I love with everything I have and everything I am. I believe that I have a good soul. A caring soul. I never want anyone to hurt. Especially not because of me.
I’m trying to let go of some of the fear. I’m trying to learn that my concerns and my heart, are just as important as other peoples.
Reading over this, it went in a totally different direction than I had anticipated or planned. The title of this post makes no sense to the context, except that Matt’s post today really got me thinking about my own fears. Then it took on a life of it’s own.
No, wait. I don’t apologize, I did nothing wrong.
Just kidding. I’m sorry if you read this post, expecting it to be a book review or something more interesting than my broken love life.