Telling White Lies and Being A Hypocrite

Let’s face the reality, we are all hypocrites, to varying extents.

We raise our children not to lie.  We tell them they shouldn’t lie to family, friends or employers.  We try to instill in them that they should always be honest.  Honesty is, after all, the best policy!

*cough* I’m sorry, I can’t come in to work today, I woke up with this sore throat! *cough*

Then you sit on the couch all day, watching soap operas and eating bon-bons.  You aren’t really sick, you just didn’t feel like showering and getting ready for work.

Oh Betty, I’m sorry that I can’t come to the birthday party & barbecue today!  It sounds so fun, but I had plans today already that I completely forgot about it!  Kiss little Jimmy for me and wish him a Happy 4th Birthday!

Then you immediately call your best friend and tell her how happy you are that you got out of going to that party because Jimmy is a little shit who doesn’t deserve a party because of the way he treats his little sister.  Then you go shopping, looking for that ‘perfect’ pair of jeans.

No mom, I’m fine!  I paid my car registration already.  I am 40 years old!  I do not need you to remind me to pay my car registration.  Yes, I had the money.  Yes, I get paid this week and then I’ll pay the electricity bill.  Mom, seriously.  I’m an adult. 

Then you go get a payday loan, to pay your car registration, which is now $87 more because it’s a month late.  Then you call the electric company to make payment arrangements so your A/C doesn’t get shut off, in the middle of a Northern California summer.

Oh my god!  Those jeans look so cute on you!  Of course they do not make your ass look bigger than it already is!  Oh, yes, I would definitely tell you.

No.  You wouldn’t.

We all do it.  Every person I know, tells little white lies.  No one is 100% truthful, all the time.  It’s just not possible.  We tell lies and make up stories for several reasons.  I think for most good hearted people, they tell white lies, because they are trying to protect the people that they care about.  You love your friend Betty.  Love being around her.  You’ve known her your whole life and her family is your family.  It’s easier to tell her you can’t make it to the party, than to be honest and tell her that her son is a monster and you can’t stand to be around him.

It’s a little white lie.  Betty feels good about the situation.  Jimmy can torment his little sister without you seeing.  And YOU feel better for not hurting someone you care about.

I taught my daughter not to lie.  I taught her to be kind to people.  I taught her to cherish family and close friends.  I taught her to be a hard worker and earn everything she has.

However…

I also taught my daughter that little white lies, are sometimes for the benefit of the person on the receiving end of the lie.

I also taught my daughter that you don’t have to continue to be kind, to people that are not kind to you.

I also taught my daughter that sometimes friendships don’t mean as much to others, as they mean to you.

I also taught my daughter that as much as you love your job and want to earn your paycheck, sometimes, it is ok to take a day off and just “be”.

I have tried desperately to be honest with her over the years.

Not everyone is good.

Not everyone is honest.

Not everyone works for what they have.

A few days ago, when my daughter and I were talking about her troubles with the little jackass, I said these words to her:

It doesn’t matter how much you like him or how much he likes you.  If he is not giving you what you need to be happy, he isn’t the right person.  He may be giving you his all, but if it’s not enough, then don’t settle. 

Truth.

She looked at me, nodded like she understood and then hugged me and cried on my shoulder.

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I woke up yesterday morning, thinking that I was a total hypocrite.  I had spent an hour telling my sobbing child that she deserved better.  That she deserved to have someone who loved her and gave her everything she needed.

Yet, I am in a ‘relationship’ with someone who is giving me very little of what I need.

There are a lot of flags with the 29 year old.  Some may be red, some may be yellow and some may be completely fabricated in my own head.

I have been told to run from him and to run fast.  I have been told that he wasn’t interested in me.

Both of those statements may be true.  However, everyone needs to make their own decisions when it comes to relationships.  I ask for input and I’m SO grateful to get it.  I do take everything everyone says to heart, but also with a grain of salt.

I told my daughter that no one is in her head and in her heart.  She can ask for advice and opinions, but ultimately, she has to do what is right for her.  For her own soul.

That is what I am doing.

Yesterday morning, I texted the 29 year old.  I told him that I liked him and missed him when we weren’t together, but that it wasn’t enough for me.  I wanted and needed a relationship.  I needed more.  I told him that I knew he was busy and I wasn’t going to try to change him, but “this” wasn’t enough for me.

His response to me, a few hours later, was “Wow, I guess I understand”.

Are you fucking kidding me right now?

I was pretty pissed at this point.  I called my kid and talked to her about it and wanted her advice.  I learned two things, after talking to her.  1) Don’t ever ask advice from someone who is dealing with a heartbreak of her own.  2) Don’t ask advice from someone who is 21 and hasn’t dated a lot.

She told me not to respond to him.  To make him wonder.

Uh-huh.  Sounds like a great plan.

I responded.

I asked him if that was all he had to say.  Should I assume from his response that he had no interest in trying to make things work.

For me, his response could have meant a couple things.  What exactly did he understand? Did he understand that I liked him and needed more?  Did he understand that I was walking away?  His response was as clear as mud to me.

I needed resolution.

He said “No I do and I want this to work”

Ok.

When I passed this exchange on to my kid, she blew up at me.  Told me it wasn’t fair that “everyone” was getting responses and things were working out for “everyone” but her.  Told me that I had flip-flopped on my feelings and she didn’t understand why.  She didn’t understand how I could allow him to behave a certain way towards me.

I calmly explained to her that first of all, I was not “everyone” and that things weren’t “working out” for me.  They have never worked out for me.  And second of all, that I hadn’t flip-flopped.  I wasn’t going to allow things to continue the way they had been going.  I told her that I was a 40 year old woman who like a man.  That I thought he had the right to hear me out and see if he could be in the type of relationship I wanted.

I do not think this is illogical.  I do not know what is going to happen.  I want to have a phone conversation with him, or one in person, to tell him my concerns, the flags that I’m seeing and see if he can be the man I need in my world.  If he can’t, then we part friends and I tried.  If he can, then we move forward.  He is going to know that I feel like I’m the other woman.  He’s going to know that his behavior thus far, has been one of a man trying to hide me.  He’s going to know that it’s not ok with me.  He’s either all in, or not in at all.

I feel like this is the right decision for my heart and my soul.

I feel like, since I’m talking to him about things, it makes me not quite such a hypocrite.

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