Tinder is Weird AF – Post One

Quick Lesson: For those of you who might not know “AF”, it means “AS FUCK”.  I learned this from my daughter and her friends.  Apparently, it’s the new thing.

So I made the decision to reactivate Tinder on my handy dandy smart phone yesterday.   I know that Tinder is probably not where I’m going to meet he love of my life, but let’s face it, if I don’t, I at least have fun looking.

On Tinder, for those of you who may not know, you see a picture or two or ten.  Names and ages.  If the user feels so inclined, they can put a little blurb on there.  They either write about how great they are (tall, dark and handsome!  quite a catch!), what they really enjoy doing (love the outdoors, camping, falling from airplanes, rock climbing), what they are looking for in a woman (I am looking for a woman who wants to be outside and get dirty with me, but wear heels and a mini-skirt doing it), what they aren’t looking for (no drama, no smoking, no third eye) or they don’t say anything useful.  They will provide a Snapchat or Instagram name.

The pictures that men put on here are a crack up!  The norm of pictures that are posted are:

  • Shirtless pictures.  Flexing in front of a mirror, in a bathroom or gym.
  • Pictures of them wakeboarding, riding motorcycles, falling from planes or skiing.
  • Pictures of them with kids (theirs or not).  Apparently this shows how ready you are to be a good dad.  For me, it is NOT a turn on.
  • Pictures of them with animals.  Kittens, puppies and tigers seem to be fairly common.
  • A lot of guys post pictures of them with dead animals or fish.  Ok fine, I eat meat, but I don’t need to see a picture of what you killed.
  • A lot of pictures of cars, motorcycles, boats and pools.  So you are showing your “stuff” and then are surprised when gold-digger girls contact you?

If you look at the few pictures they have up and like what they may have to say, you swipe right.  That means you are “showing interest” in them.  If they repulse you or say something stupid, you swipe left.  That means “no way Jose!”

I have a problem with a few things on Tinder.

If you can’t put your real name on there, you are hiding something.

If you can’t put a picture of your face on there, you are hiding something.

I am amazed that SO many men are named “Elvis” in the area I am swiping in.

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I’m guessing these guys aren’t looking for a relationship.  Granted, they don’t’ look so bad for being in their mid-30’s, but there are NO face pictures for either of them.  Sorry Jeff and Carl, SWIPE LEFT.

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He is wearing a jersey, with fringe on it!  FRINGE.  Maybe this is cool at 29, not so much at 40.  Bye, Josh!

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This guy wasn’t bad looking, until I read his profile.  He’s happy to meet good people.  As long as they have big tits, apparently.  Swipe left, Anas!

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I’m not gonna lie, the tattoos had me.  I’m a tattoo, facial hair kinda girl.  I may have swiped right, out of pure curiosity.  BUT, when you can’t spell California, I have a problem with that.  It isn’t hard.  CAL-I-FORN-I-A.  Can’t swipe right Derrik, I don’t know where Calofornia is.

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These terrified me to my very core.  Bye, Deltia and Eddie.

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Now, this had to be my favorite person that I ran across all day yesterday.  I have to appreciate Josh’s honesty.  And the fact that he said “if it’s nice and clean”.  Like there is one girl out there who is going to say “Yes!  I’d really like for Josh to eat my pussy!  Oh wait, mine isn’t nice and clean, so I have to swipe left.”  The freak in me, wanted to swipe right and talk to Josh.  If he’s bragging about it, then maybe he is good.  BUT that isn’t what I’m looking for…so I’m sorry to say, I swiped left on Josh.   Hope he finds the clean pussies he is looking for.

These are the men I have to choose from.   Perfect.

I also struggle with the age range setting on Tinder.

I am 40.  Shit, probably more than half done with my life.  But my problem is, I don’t feel like I look 40 or act 40.

I have my age preference from 29-47.  Seems reasonable.

There are a lot of guys who are in their early 30’s that look like babies.  Actual babies.  I would look at them in real life and think they would be a good match for my 21 year old daughter.  Then, there are a lot of guys who are in their early 40’s that look old enough to be my dad.

I have had some matches on Tinder over the last 18 hours.  That means that they liked my pictures and swiped right on me.  But I have only received three messages.  I have decided this go around, unless it’s Luke Bryan (who probably doesn’t use Tinder), I am not messaging anyone first.  This is my attempt at being a lady.

First message was fairly generic.  How’s your day or some shit.  I responded and never heard back from him.  He must have dropped his phone in the toilet while peeing, or something.

Second message was clever.  We messaged back and forth for about a half hour or so.  Now nothing.  I clearly said something to offend him.  Or he was texting and driving and got arrested.  I believe the cops take away your phone.  He’s probably sitting in a cell, feeling really guilty right now for not responding.  I don’t know if I’ll forgive him or not.

Third message was nice and simple.  From a guy named “Literally”.  I’m guessing this isn’t his real name.  Just a hunch.  We chatted a bit. I was a little buzzed, so I asked him what he was looking for.  He said “friends and open to something more, if developed”.  Ok good answer my 32 year old friend!  But because I was buzzed, I also asked him if it mattered to him that I was 40.  I maybe shouldn’t have brought it to his attention.  I haven’t heard from him since.  Apparently, it was an issue and the big “40” on my Tinder profile, didn’t register with him before he started messaging.  OR, maybe he passed out and hit his head, when he realized that I looked that good for 40.

So this is where I’m at.  After less than 24 hours on Tinder, I’m about ready to pull all my hair out.

Maybe it’ll get better.  *Fingers Crossed*

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