The Internal Debate

There is a guy that I’ve been texting and snapping with for a couple weeks now.  I met him on Tinder, before I remembered I hated Tinder.

No...not THAT kind of snapping.
No…not THAT kind of snapping.

E is sexy.  He is not what I usually look for physically, but dammit, he is hot.  There is something about him.

When we first starting chatting on Tinder, he told me that he was in the middle of his second divorce and was broken.  He said he was damaged and couldn’t offer anyone his heart or any kind of a commitment.  I thanked him for his honesty and wished him good luck.

He wrote me back and said he would always be honest, because he refused to mess with someone’s heart.  Asked if we could keep texting and getting to know each other.  He said he was looking for friends to hang out with, play pool with and have a few drinks with.  I told him, very honestly, that I could not do the casual sex thing.  Well I could, but that I didn’t want to, because it was hard on my heart when I got attached.  He said he wasn’t looking for a sex partner, just friendship.

So I decided it couldn’t hurt anything.

Here’s the thing, we started texting and within a week or so, the conversation turned sexual, because why wouldn’t it.  We started talking about likes and dislikes, sending some suggestive, but not explicit pictures.

He told me, as all men do, that he likes orally taking care of a woman and is really good at it.  Yeah, fucking right!  You all say that and couldn’t figure it out if I drew you a fucking map!!  But I am hot-blooded woman, in my sexual prime and I was intrigued.

Anyway, it’s been easy conversation.  Talking about kids and music and work.  He has told me that he has a couple friends that he meets up with, occasionally, to get rid of the sexual urge.  They know the other exists and he doesn’t hide it. He sends me pictures on Snapchat, telling me good morning and calling me beautiful.

We were talking about meeting a couple days ago for a drink or two.  I was excited and scared.  I finally thought I should tell him.

I sent him a text that broke it down for him.  I told him I wasn’t ready to meet him face to face.  That I knew myself well enough and that I couldn’t do the casual sex thing, without getting attached.  I told him that since he clearly couldn’t give me anything serious, I was worried.  That I had been hurt very recently and wasn’t sure I could handle it.

I wasn’t sure if he would respond.  And if he did, would it be nasty?  Would it be a goodbye?

He did respond.  And he was an angel about it.

He said he understood and because he was damaged and didn’t expect anyone to “fix him”, that he knew he couldn’t give me commitment and anything more than friendship.  He said that I was amazing and he would never want me to do anything I was uncomfortable with or that I would regret later.  Then he ended the text with saying “Andi, I enjoy talking to you and flirting with you.  If you want to be ‘virtual friends’ for right now, or forever, I’m ok with that.”

Yah, it may be a total line.

I don’t give one fuck if it is, it made me feel better.

Yesterday, he told me that when he “swiped right” and it said he matched with me, he was shocked.  I asked him why.  He said “You are beautiful and way out of my league.  I didn’t think you’d give me the time of day.”

Yah, that might be a total line too.

Again, I don’t give one fuck.

So, of course, my vagina head and my heart are arguing.

heart-mind-dialogue

I know it’s not a good idea to see him.  The fear of my heart getting involved at some point, is terrifying.  I know me so well.  I get attached.

BUT, I am a hot blooded American woman who loves sex.  I should be able to explore that.  I really should find out if he’s that orally gifted.

My heart tells me I’m a dumb bitch.  I want a relationship, a forever.  I want someone who loves me no matter what.  I have people in my world that I can have sex with.  I don’t need to find someone new for that.

My vagina head tells me that I am a grown woman and should be able to separate the two.  Finding someone to have sex with and a few drinks now and then, is not a bad thing.  I can still look for my forever, without my vagina growing cobwebs.

spiders-web

Maybe E is the perfect solution for me.

Maybe E is someone else feeding me crap to get me into bed.

But, I ask you this, if he really does enjoy going down on women, and he’s really good at it, shouldn’t I find that out?

And on a side note, he isn’t asking me for a threesome.  So that’s something.

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17 thoughts on “The Internal Debate

  1. “He told me, as all men do, that he likes orally taking care of a woman and is really good at it. Yeah, fucking right! You all say that and couldn’t figure it out if I drew you a fucking map!!”

    You are SO right! They say all this crap and never deliver!!

    I think give it go, have a drink with this guy, meet him face to face. See what happens, like you said – at least there’s no threesome 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I would run the other way. Someone in the midst of a divorce is not someone who you want to get involved with unless you are sure you can handle just sex.
    My dating rules post might help if you haven’t read it…depending on what you are actually looking for.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would like it to be just sex, since I know he isn’t relationship material. He’s been honest about that. I don’t know. I’m enjoying talking to him, he may be a good guy friend to hang out with. We’ll see. 🙂 xoxo

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      1. I’m new to your blog so I will ask – have you down that emotionally successfully before?
        One key thing I’ve learned is do not get ahead of yourself before you meet face to face.

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      2. I agree with that. That’s why I wanted to make sure I understood what you were asking. I have tried several times to stay just friends and have sex. My emotions ALWAYS get involved.

        I did a lot of soul searching last night and got back to the basics that make me who I am.

        I have read some of your blog, but just found it recently, when I started mine again. I had to delete my old blog, that I head for a over a year, because I had a stalker that wouldn’t leave me alone. Used my blog against me. 😦 I’ll sit down this weekend and read some more of it.

        Thank you so much for your support and insight. It helps so much to get opinions and thoughts from those who have no bias towards me as a person.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t mean to be rude but at first he says he wants friendship but then he is a married man who can please women orally? I wouldn’t have sex before marriage but a guy who lies like that, and turning things to sex, seems to be focused on their own agenda 😦 I would run away from him. These are just what I am thinking.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You’ve already answered your own question. You know what will happen. You feel it in your gut…. don’t let your Vagina get in front of your heart. Cause once the Vag is pleased it steps away from the heart and the heart always takes the hits. And we all know as women our vaginas can take a pounding that our hearts could never handle as well…. even guy thinks he can eat it better then anyone. Doesn’t always work out and we are foolish enough to fake it for the sake of embarrassing ourselves. Lol uh lovely lady do what’s best for you. But if you do it… do it on YOUR TERMS. Good luck Andi!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this! I think my favorite part of what you said that the vagina can take a pounding that our hearts could never handle. Thanks for making me not feel like a lesser person for going through this. xoxo

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