Stop Being So Honest

No-talking

I always tell people, over and over again, that I just want them to be honest with me.  Men specifically.

You don’t like me?  Say so.

You think I’m ugly?  Say so.

You want to casually date, because you fuck other people?  Say so.

We live to far away to talk about it?  Say so.

You think I’m hot, but hate my laugh?  Say so.

However, I have come to realize lately, that I would rather not know all these things.  Be honest, to a degree.

You don’t like me?  Say our personalities don’t really mesh.

You think I’m ugly?  Don’t fucking swipe right then.

You want to casually date?  Say I like you but I’m dating others because I’m not ready to settle down.

We live to far away?  MOVE.

You don’t like my laugh?  Quit being fucking funny.

These things haven’t happened.  Ok, well the distance one did.  But I think I’m wearing him down.  Oh and he is dating others.  His roommate specifically, but that’s another post for another day.

E is wonderful.  I’m really starting to like him, when I know damn well I shouldn’t.

I saw him 4 times last week.  FOUR.  Quickie on Tuesday.  Dinner and sex on Wednesday.  Drinks and sex on Friday.  And on Sunday, he helped my daughter and her sister move.  And then we had sex.

I’m not complaining.  The sex is amazing.  A-FUCKING-MAZING.  I enjoy it.  More than I should probably.  The sucky thing about it is that I like him as a person.  He makes me feel good about myself.  He makes me laugh.  We have genuinely great and honest conversations, about everything.

BUT, he’s too honest with me.  Here are a few highlights of our conversations the past week.   Good and honest.

I don’t know what it is about you Andi, but you are making me break my own rules.  The other girls I’m seeing don’t do this to me. 

Your friend is really pretty, but I would never hit on her, because I respect you.

I am thinking of where to take you on Wednesday for dinner.  It’s a great place, but I’ve taken a few other dates there.

Please don’t get used to seeing me four times in one week.  I need my alone time and I can’t get too attached to you. 

Even thought it’s a rule to have not anyone stay the night, hypothetically speaking, what night would be good for you?  Not that it will happen. 

Yes, I do fuck my roommate, but only once in a while.  And she really wants to meet you.

I do think you are beautiful and wonderful, but I really try to find the good in everyone and make everyone feel special.

I know he is not trying to hurt my feelings.  I honestly believe, in his mind, he’s just being really honest and that’s good.  Truly, I’d rather the honesty over the lies.  But sometimes, it’s too much.

Let me feel special when you tell me I’m beautiful.

Don’t assume I want to see you four times a week, every week.

I know you are fucking your roommate, but don’t ask me to hang out with her.

Be happy taking me to dinner.  Just pick a place.  I don’t need to know who or how many girls you’ve taken there.

Isn’t there a fucking happy medium out there?

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Enjoying E

You ever meet someone and think “They are the perfect man…except”?

I’m sure we all do.  They would be the perfect man if they weren’t already married.  Or were a little bit taller.  Or didn’t drink so much.  Or could stay faithful.  Or didn’t have eight fingers on one hand.  Whatever the case is, they are always perfect…except.

When E and I started talking, he was completely upfront about his life.  He likes to date multiple people, sleep with multiple people and has no desire to fall in love or be the “one” to anyone.  He likes having friends that he can communicate with and laugh with and that make him happy.  He thinks he’s damaged.

But he’s honest about who he is.

When we started talking, he told me all these things about himself and let me decide if it was a good idea for me to get involved.

I’m not sure it’s a great idea, given the fact that I cannot control my heart and will probably end up crushed, but it’s turned out to be pretty damn great.

We have spent quite a bit of time together, considering that we are just friends.  In the two and half weeks since I’ve met him, we’ve seen each other five times.  FIVE.  That’s more than I saw the Accidental Relationship, in the entire year of 2015.

I enjoy him so much.  The sex is absolutely mind-blowing.  Absolutely incredible.  Wow.  I’m getting a little flushed, just thinking about it.  Shit.

However, as great as the sex is, the conversation is just as good.  Ok, maybe not “just as” good.  But it’s good too.  We sit out on my balcony, sometimes naked, and just chat.  About life, about relationships, about kids.  Music, movies, food.  Anything that comes up.

I have been completely 100% honest with him about everything.  How I’ve been hurt by men who lie, why I am emotional and have a hard time 100% trusting anyone and why it is hard for me to be the other woman.  He seems to get it and still wants to hang out with me.

He has made a couple comments to me, that want to make me cry and laugh out loud, all at the same time.  He tells me I’m beautiful and gorgeous, all the damn time.  He told me that I was one of the thinnest girls he’s been with.  But the other day, he told me that I was so pretty, it was ridiculous.

A line?  Maybe.  Do I care?  Not one fuck.

Good conversation and company.  Amazing sex and multiple orgasms.

If I can attempt to keep my heart out of it, it is a great situation for me.  I’m enjoying this boy!

Closure Without A Goodbye

Boy…it’s been a long week.

A week ago, I went to visit my best friend J.  Her and her boyfriend are splitting up and she wanted me to come help her pack her stuff.  I told her that day that I wouldn’t be very much help packing.  I’m better at helping her sit outside and smoke.  It’s just a better title for me.

Anyway, I drove the 45 minutes to her house and not five minutes after I arrived, her boyfriend pulled up and parked right behind my car.

Let me give you a little background on her “boyfriend”.  They have been dating on and off for 8 years.  They live together, break up, miss each other, start dating and move back in together.  Repeat process.  Over and over and over.  And fucking over.

One summer, when they were broken up, he texted me.  I didn’t have his phone number in my phone, but when I asked who it was, he told me.  I immediately called my bestie and was on the phone with her while I responding to him.  He actually told me that I was sexy and he thought I felt the same about him.  That we should “get together”.  No prick.  We won’t.  Not today.  Not ever.

Back to last weekend.

He was there for a few minutes.  Grabbed a few things and left.  Turns out, this is when me and my bestie thought it would be a good idea to go to a local dive bar and have a few drinks.  BEFORE NOON.  It’s a bar that you can smoke in, so that is just icing on the proverbial cake for us.

Well, it turns out that drinking before noon, smoking and listening to some country music on the jukebox, automatically turns me in to a texting fool.  I sent a few messages to E, to which he responded nicely.  But had plans with someone else, so he couldn’t come visit me.  Dating a guy who is dating others, just plain sucks.  Then I texted the Accidental Relationship.  No response.  Then I thought it would be a good idea to text the 29 year old.  Bad idea.  No response.

When I got home that late afternoon and was fighting a slight hangover, I realized that I was mad.  Who are these men that think they can just keep ignoring me and not responding, but expect me to be here when they have time for me?

I was pissed.

Monday morning I sent the following messages:

Accidental Relationship: I know we have had our ups and downs, but frankly, I’m tired of trying.  I don’t deserve to be ignored.  I will always love you and wish you the best, but I’m done.  Good luck to you.

29 year old: You say you want to talk about things and explain things to me, yet you can’t respond to a simple text message.  So yes, from here on out, don’t contact me anymore.  Good luck to you.

Ok, so looking back, I probably should not have sent either text.  The initial one or the follow up one on Monday morning.  But I did.  It’s what I do.

The Accidental Relationship replied almost instantly.  Told me he was not ignoring me at all, but that in fact, he was driving to Washington with his kids, a 13 hour trip.

What the actual fuck?

He moved.  He left.  No goodbye.  No hug.  No see ya bitch!  Nothing.  Just gone.  My eyes welled up with tears.  As I responded to him, the tears fell.  I was forced to say goodbye to a man I loved.  Forced to say goodbye to a relationship I never expected.  He’s gone.  Breaks my heart.

The 29 year old responded after a few hours.  I’m not sure word for word of the messages, because I got pissed and erased them.  He told me basically that I was being hateful and hurtful to him.  That I wouldn’t even allow him the chance to explain.

I started crying all over again.

No one has ever called me hateful.  Not in all my 40 years on this planet.

It felt like a knife going through my heart.

I sent him a message back, telling him that I was not hateful or hurtful.  That he was the one with a fucking girlfriend and if he wanted to talk, he could call me anytime, and try to help me understand what happened.  I was not the one that lied or ignored him.

He responded quickly with “I’ll call you when I get back in town.  Probably Wednesday”.  That was 8 days ago.  I haven’t heard one word from him.  Not one text.  Not one phone call.  I was willing to sit down and listen.  I was willing to hear him out.  Now, not so much.  43 chances is enough.  Ok, maybe not 43, but definitely more than he deserves.  The 29 year old liar, has lied to me for the very last time.

That Monday was a rough day for me, emotionally.  I can’t remember the last time I cried, like I cried that day.  Maybe a little therapeutic.  Maybe a little childish.  Maybe just pent up anger and fear, that had no other way to get out.

I have also recently said goodbye to my New York.

He was dating a girl a few weeks ago.  Maybe a few months now, actually.  Anyway, that’s not the important part.

He posts pictures of them together on Facebook, which is totally ok, but it hurts to see it.  I am always really careful what I put on Facebook, because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  I told him that it was hard for me to see, but I understood.

Two weeks ago, he started texting me A LOT, every single day.  I knew that something had changed with his life, because usually his messages are about twice a week, not every day.  I asked him about it.  He said that he was tired of things not working out for him.  I asked if it was his girlfriend and he said “there is no girlfriend”.

Huh.

He kept telling me he missed me and wished that we weren’t 3000 miles apart.  He asked me to come to New York.  Told me he would pay for 2/3 of my plane ticket.  I wish I could have.  But I couldn’t go, for two reasons.  1) I don’t have the money.  2) I don’t want to say goodbye to him again.

Well, I saw a picture posted on Facebook of him and the girlfriend, on a plane, leaving for five days in Puerto Rico.  He’s smiling.  She’s smiling.  He’s excited for vacation.

I got tired of seeing it and got tired of playing the “what could have been if he didn’t move to NY game”.  He did move.  He’s not coming back.  He’s no different than any of them.  So, I deleted him on Facebook and out of my phone.  Have fun in Puerto Rico.

I’m in the process of healing my soul.

It’s getting there.  The more that I say goodbye to the toxic people in my world, the more I’m healing from the inside out.

I feel good about myself again.  I feel like I look pretty in the morning.  I feel sexy.  I feel like my soul and my heart are getting better.

I’ve seen E a few times since our initial meeting and hear from him daily.

E is a big part of why I’m feeling better.  He makes me feel beautiful and sexy and wanted.

I know I shouldn’t rely on a man to make me feel better, but let’s be real, it makes you feel more beautiful when you hear it and feel it.

Meeting E and the 29 Year Old

I started talking to E on Tinder.  About a month ago, maybe.

He told me that he was not looking for a relationship, because he was damaged from his second failed marriage.  He was completely honest that he is looking for friends to spend time with, maybe benefits along the way.  He was also clear that he already had such friends.

At first, I wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted or if I could do it.  I told him just that.  I told him I was scared to meet him, because if I really liked him and it would never turn in to more, it would be super hard on my heart and head.

I deleted my Tinder and my other stupid online dating sites, but E and I have remained in contact.  Almost daily actually.

The conversations started out the same way every single online dating conversation starts out.  The basic questions about what do you do for a living, do you have kids, what’s your favorite sexual position.  You know, the norm.  Ok, so maybe they don’t generally start out with sexual positions, but don’t lie, they always go there at some point.

Then the conversations turned a little bit dirty, but not overly dirty.  Maybe a few suggestive photos sent.  Maybe a few “I want you” messages.

Then the blatant, dirty, descriptive text messages.  Go ahead and think that I’m a whore, but those are the best conversations.  Especially if you know this isn’t the person you are going to be with forever.

With everything that has been going on with the married guy, the 29 year old and the Accidental Relationship, I was really in the need for some good sex.  A few beers, good conversation and sweaty, hot sex.

So, I decided to meet E on Wednesday night.

I had been sick all day.  Headache, earache and a slight fever.  Probably nothing life threatening, but just not feeling great.  I couldn’t cancel, because I have cancelled twice and he was starting to doubt my desire to actually meet him.

We ended up meeting at a wings place that has 4091 monitors up on the walls with different sports going all the time.  It was fabulous for me, since I love sports, but he isn’t a sports guy, so for him, he was more focused on me.  Which is also fabulous for me.

We ordered a few beers and sat and chatted.  He is a pretty sexy man.  Not someone you would look at and think Oh My Goodness!  He’s adorable!, but he is sexy as hell.  Shorter than people I normally date.  Ok, he’s my height.  But he’s sexy.  Tattoos, shaved head and not skinny.  I was attracted to him.  And the beer was not helping that.

We ended up staying there and talking, smoking, laughing, drinking and maybe a little bit of kissing, for four hours.  My fever broke sometime in between beers one and two and I was feeling my natural spunk.

He told me that I took good pictures, but that I was more beautiful in person.  Yep, I know, he could have been lying, but I don’t give one fuck.

We had some serious conversation while outside smoking for the last hour of our meeting / date.  We talked about exes, what we want out of life and relationships.  He reiterated again, that he liked me and thought I was very cool.  But that he couldn’t offer me anything more than friendship.  The ‘benefits” were up to me, if I wanted them.  You bet your sweet ass I do! 

I felt really comfortable with him all night long.  Never awkward silences.  Not any awkward first kisses.  He grabbed my hand and held it, walking to our cars.

At midnight, I looked at him and asked him if I could come back to his house for a little bit.   As soon as he kissed me and felt me up, I was pretty sure that was a yes.

We had also previously had the discussion that because he has a female roommate, they had made the agreement that no one would ever stay the night.  They could have people over for whatever they wanted, but no overnight dates.  So I did know that if I went over there, it wouldn’t be long until my ass was asked to leave.  I was ok with it.  I had to work the next morning anyway.

I followed him home and had absolutely no nerves.  That’s how I know my comfort level with him was good.  I had no nerves about going to his house.  A virtual stranger.

Now, before I go any further with this date, I have to say this.  He told me one night when we were texting, that he was a little nervous about the size of Little E, but that he more than made up for it orally.  I was hesitant.  Usually guys who brag about the skill of their tongue, have no idea what they are doing.

We went in to his bedroom and I immediately stripped off my shirt.  Yah, I was anxious.  Stop judging.

We kissed a little and touched a little.  Then I laid down on the bed and he went to work.  OH MY GOD.  That boy was NOT joking.  He knows what the fuck he is doing and he clearly loves doing it.  After the second orgasm, he told me he wasn’t quitting until I got my third.  HOLY FUCK.  It happened.  I needed a chance to breathe a little bit.

But there is no rest for the horny.

The sex was great.  I would almost say “mind-blowing”, but I’m not sure I should say that until the next time.  And boy, there is definitely going to be a next time.

We snuggled for a little bit and talked and laughed.  I then got dressed and headed home, after sharing a smoke with him, up against my car.  We kissed in between drags and he said he couldn’t wait for the next time.  Me either!

He asked me to text him when I got home and I did.  He responded and said he was so glad we finally met and that he had an amazing time with me.  That it wasn’t even about the sex, that was just the icing on the cake.  Yesterday, he said he couldn’t believe someone as amazing and beautiful as myself, would be interested in him.

He’s clearly got some insecurities, which we all have, but I’m telling you, he might legitimately be one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met.  I kind of think his insecurities, make him try a little harder.  He’s just a nice guy.  He told next week, funds will be a little tight, so asked me if he could cook me dinner and snuggle up with a movie.

I’m sorry E, but that sounds like a relationship-y date!  But yes, I will definitely be there.

Now, a really quick update about the 29 year old.

It was July 21, when I decided to stalk his Facebook page.  Right there, in all it’s internet glory, were the words “IN A RELATIONSHIP” as of July 14th.

I very maturely, took a picture of the screen and texted it to him, with one simple word.  CONGRATULATIONS.

He never responded.

I sent him one text the next day.  Basically telling him that I didn’t deserve to be treated this way because I had never been anything but nice to him.  Told him that I didn’t even realize we were playing a game, but that clearly he had won.

He never responded.

Fast forward, exactly 3 weeks since I noticed the Facebook status.

Tuesday.

Text message.

“Hope you are doing well.  I miss you”

Are you fucking for real?

I ignored it.  I was angry.  I was sad.  I was irritated.  But I ignored it.

Tuesday night.  Ignored.

All day Wednesday.  Ignored.

Finally, on Thursday, I decided that this was my chance to be honest and get all my feelings out there.  I opted for raw and honest emotion vs. bitchy and mean.  As badass as I pretend to be, I’m not.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Here is the text conversation, as it went yesterday and one response from me this morning.  Which, by the way, he never responded to.

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Oh, forgive the horrible spelling and lack of punctuation.

I’m guessing in a week or so, I’ll hear from him again.  Maybe three weeks again.

I have been bouncing back and forth on these messages.

I haven’t seen the guy since the second day of July, and before that, it had been almost 5 weeks.  He clearly isn’t using me for sex.  I’ve never spent any money on him, so he clearly isn’t using me for financial gain.

I can only speculate at this point.  Until he decides to try to explain himself, if he even wants to, I have no idea.  I have a million thoughts running through my head.

Ex-Girlfriend who moved back to town?

Girl he was seeing the whole time?

New girl he met and there was an undeniable connection?

Just a dick, playing a bunch of women?

I don’t know.  I find it hard to believe that he’s being an asshole, just to be an asshole.  He is getting nothing out of this.  Nothing.

We’ll see what happens.  Maybe nothing.  Ever.

Single Crazy Cat Lady

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Or in my case, Mr. Accidental Relationship, Mr. New York, Mr. Rocker and Mr. Perfect.  Oh yah, and a fucking hypocritical cowboy.

The normal ups and downs of life are hard enough to deal with, yet men (and I use that term loosely) still feel the need to fuck with women.  I wish I could figure out why.  I wish I could figure out where all the good ones are.  My guess is probably married, stranded on a deserted island or gay.

Not all guys can be douchebags, right?

Although, I have no evidence to point me in any other direction.

I am newly forty and have had my share of assholes, fuck boys and heartbreak, especially over the last few years with this online dating shit.

I struggle with a few things, trying to date in my late 30’s and now at 40.

Lack of Communication

This is not a problem for me.  I’m a good communicator, maybe even an over-communicator.  If that is a thing.  I respond to text messages in a timely fashion.  I check my stupid dating sites for messages and respond timely, if I’m interested.  You ask me a question, I answer it.  Honestly.

What I don’t understand is men who do not communicate.  At all.  They send “hey”.  Or respond with “I’m fine”.  They have no desire to keep a conversation going, but then will send you a message a couple days later that says “What’s up?”.  You know what is up asshole?  What’s up is that you can’t carry on a conversation, so I don’t really want to talk to you anymore.

Walking Away With No Warning

Oh we’ve all been here. Maybe we were even the one that did the walking, a time or two.  It is really hard to hear that someone isn’t interested in you.  I completely understand that.  It sucks hearing it and it sucks saying it.  But when guys just quit texting first or stop responding to you, delete you as a friend on Snapchat, “unmatch” you on Tinder or won’t answer your phone calls, it hurts.

If you are anything like me, you find yourself wondering where you went wrong.  You replay the whole “relationship” over and over in your mind.  You read old text messages, trying to find out when things changed.  You may be able to pinpoint the exact day of change, or you may not be able to see it at all.

When it is completely out of the blue, it can be hard to swallow.  For me personally, it plays tricks on me.  I start to wonder if all of my insecurities came to light.  I start beating myself up for trying to hard or being to available.  I secretly keep my fingers crossed, hoping he got trampled by a herd of elephants while trekking through Africa.

Judgmental People in Relationships

You know who you are.  Please don’t be offended by this.  No actually, go ahead and be offended.  You hurt my feelings all the time.

I’m happy for you that you are in a relationship.  I’m glad that your man loves you and you feel so eternally blessed to have found your soul mate.  Truly, Cinderella, I’m happy for you that your Prince Charming came in to your life.

HOWEVER,

Do not judge me for having sex with someone on the first date.  I know the old saying says a guy won’t buy the cow if he can get the milk for free.  I don’t fucking care.  I am a woman, in her sexual prime.  Sex feels great.  Or it should.  I enjoy it.  Stop rolling your eyes at me and go have sex with your other half.

Do not think I am a horrible human for having a relationship with a married man or a man with a girlfriend.  You have not walked in my shoes.  You do not know our private conversations or how my heart feels.  If you are going to judge me, that’s fine, just know it isn’t going to change my behavior.

Not one person on this Earth is perfect.  Not one person hasn’t done something they aren’t proud of.  We all have the proverbial skeletons in our closet.  Some people probably have real skeletons in their closets, but I don’t know the story, so that is their problem.

If you are in a relationship, or your beliefs are different, that’s ok.  That’s what makes us human.  Just try not to be so judgmental of others when you don’t know.

Those who live in glass houses, blah blah blah.

Lying

I don’t like liars in general, but when it comes to dating, there are few things I don’t get.

Do not lie about your height.  Do you think a woman isn’t going to notice that you are 5’4″ when she meets you?

Do not lie about wanting a relationship, if you are just looking for sex.  If you want sex, fucking say so!  I’m an adult.  I can make my own decision.  If you are attractive to me and I enjoy talking to you and the penis pictures you’ve been sending, chances are, you’ll get some.  Hopefully we’ll both benefit.  But please, please, PLEASE, do not tell me you are looking for your better half, the woman who will complete you and then have sex with me once and disappear off the planet.  I know I’m good in bed, but not good enough to cause you to stop breathing and not be able to contact me again.

Don’t lie about your current relationship status.  Be honest and let me make my own decision.  Let me decide what is best for me and my current world.  Women are pretty fucking smart, and I promise you, we WILL find out.

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Especially if we’ve been hurt in the past.

Actually, scratch all of that.  Just don’t lie about anything. Except maybe your weight, cause we all lie about that.

So right now, I have given up on everyone.  I have deleted my online dating profiles.  Didn’t just make them inactive, or hide them, they are GONE.  Deleted.  Completely.

The Accidental Relationship, texts me once in a while, but it’s all nonsense conversation.  I don’t know if he is still planning on moving or not.  I can’t bring myself to ask.  I don’t know that I really want to know.

Mr. New York texted me this weekend.  Him and his girlfriend broke up.  I told him it was because his heart was in California. He wants me to go and see him.  I’m debating.  Although, the thought of saying goodbye to him again, kills me.  It physically hurts my heart.

The married man is still around.  I hear from him randomly.  It’s a dangerous fling for me.  I thought about him all weekend and realized that I genuinely like him.  Maybe even love?  He has no intention of leaving the Mrs.  He and I have never talked about this being more than it is.  We are friends first, lovers when it is convenient.  It’s going to end badly for me.  And. I. Don’t. Care.

And that is all there is.  Everyone else has dropped off the face of the Earth, or I’ve pushed them.

A married man, a man 3000+ miles away and me.  Perfect.

While I’m thinking about it, here is what my future looks like…

I'm the one in the top left hand corner, in case you didn't recognize me.   Also pictured are Fluffy, Spot, Franklin, Thomas, Chandler and Love Muffin.  There are others in the picture too, but didn't want to be tagged in the photo.   <3
I’m the one in the top left hand corner, in case you didn’t recognize me.
Also pictured are Fluffy, Spot, Franklin, Thomas, Chandler and Love Muffin. There are others in the picture too, but didn’t want to be tagged in the photo. ❤

Dear Love,

Dear Love,

I am writing you this letter because it’s easier to put my thoughts down in writing.

The minute we met, there was a connection.  I can’t explain it, nor am I sure I want to.  We have talked about it, several times over the last year and I know you felt it as well.

I want to thank you for loving me.  You have always shown your love, no matter my mood or what was going on in our world.  Your actions have mimicked your words, which in the past, was not easy to come by.

Thank you for telling me I’m beautiful, no matter whether I’m dressed up or just rolling out of bed.  In jeans or a fancy dress.  Wearing flip flops or heels or no shoes at all.  You will never know how much it means to me.

You made me smile last week when you turned off whatever you were watching on TV, to turn on the Braves game.  The fact that you know how much it means to me, to see them play, makes me grin from ear to ear.

Do you remember the night we were making dinner and you turned on the music?  You sang the sweet country song to me, while we danced around the kitchen.  You dipped me at the end of the song and told me that no one could ever love me as much as you did.  You are my dream man!  We burned dinner and ended up eating frozen pizza and the night could not have been more perfect.

I know that I have had a rough year but to know that you are going to be there for me, no matter what, is comforting on so many levels.  To know that it’s ok that I cry.  It’s ok for me to be mad.  To know that you will love me anyway.  You just hold me tight and kiss my tears away.

You are my Knight in Shining Armor.  You are the man of my dreams.  I get lost in your eyes and  your kind smile.  I feel the love from your heart, every time we are together.  You make me feel like you are proud to be with me and never ashamed.  You don’t get angry.  You don’t yell.  You never make me feel like a child or like I’m not good enough.  You are perfectly imperfect for me.

One day, a friend told me that someone would hug me so tight, that all my broken pieces would stick back together.  This is you, my perfect man.  You are the one that makes me feel whole and you truly do complete and compliment my life and my world.

I can’t imagine not seeing your handsome face every day and kissing your beautiful lips.  Feeling your strong arms around me and knowing that I can trust you with my life.

So, thank you.  Thank you for loving me and being there.  And most of all, for being YOU.

With all my heart and soul,

Me

P.S. I cannot wait until I meet you and know exactly what the man of my dreams looks like.

Sand, Sun and Old Flames

I have been super grouchy lately.

Ok, maybe grouchy isn’t the right word.

I’ve been really, really sad.  Hating men, hating my job and basically just hating life.  The sparkle has been gone from my eyes and THAT makes me even sadder.

Between the 29 year old being a complete asshole, the Accidental Relationship leaving and the married guy being a dick about me not wanting to have a threesome, I’m done.  Emotionally exhausted.

I decided last Friday that I needed some time off work.  I have 150+ hours of vacation, so I scheduled Monday and Tuesday off work.

On Monday, I sat on my ass most of the day.  Actually, all weekend I did that.

The girls all came over on Monday for the second night of Bachelor in Paradise.  We had a good time.  Me and my kid had a few drinks, danced to Michael Jackson on the Wii and laughed.  For the record, getting tipsy with your kid, is pretty great.

We decided that since we all had Tuesday off, we would head to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk on Tuesday morning.  Me and my kid and her sister.  My bonus daughter.

Woke up yesterday morning, a little bit hung over, got ready and put on a damn bikini.  Yep, I didn’t give one fuck.  I figured it didn’t matter because I wasn’t planning on meeting anyone and didn’t know one person there.

We hopped in the car and took the three hour drive to Santa Cruz.  Rocking out to music I had never heard and laughing with my girls.  It felt amazing to laugh like that.  I took a picture of all of us, when we stopped to pee, and the sparkle was back in my eyes!  I was happy.  Genuinely happy.

We laid on the beach, played Frisbee in the sand, took a million selfies with the selfie stick and ate a lot of junk food.  Funnel cake, garlic fries and shaved ice.  We rode a couple rides, including the Big Dipper roller coaster.  I can’t remember the last time I rode a roller coaster and can’t remember having that much fun.  I was literally belly laughing!

We got home around 11:30 last night and I was tired, but felt almost rejuvenated.

Then this morning, I received a text from CD.

Let me give you a little recap of CD.

We were co-workers and started up a brief romance.  Almost 5 years ago.

He was an asshole to me.  He didn’t want anything to do with me, unless it was on his terms.  I was just getting out of my marriage and wanted so desperately to be loved.  (Apparently nothing has changed in five years)  Anyway, I could have fallen in love with him.  With the idea of him.  I thought he was wonderful and didn’t notice, at the time, how badly he was treating me.  His words bordered on abusive, but in a backhanded way.

Anyway, he ended up moving to Southern California and I very rarely heard from him.  I have seen him few times, when he comes up here for work, but that has been the extent of our friendship.  He kissed me once, about two years ago, and it was nothing to me.  None of the excitement or joy I used to have.

He called me, out of the blue, in June.  He wanted to come stay with me.  For a week.  A MOTHER FUCKING WEEK.  I told him I was dating two guys and he may be able to take me to dinner or for a drink, but that I wouldn’t let him stay with me, especially for a week.

I ended up getting really, really annoyed with him over the next couple of weeks.  I finally texted him and told him that my relationship with one of the guys had gone to exclusive and I wasn’t going to be able to see him.

End of story.

He has texted me a few times over the past month and I pretty much ignored him or kept my answers to one word.

He really hurt me.  Emotionally.

Anyway, back to this morning.

Him: Hi.  How are you?

Me: Fine.  You?

Him: Good.  How’s your boyfriend?

Me: He fucked me over pretty good.

Him: I’m so sorry.

Me: Sure.

Him:  You’re a good person.

Ignore.

Him: I have an idea.

Me: ?

Him: You should come stay with me over Labor Day.  I will take you to the beach and enjoy the sun.

Me: Can’t.  Daughter moving that weekend.

Him: Oh, do you need help?  I could come up there.

Yes, with my ex-husband.  Sounds fun.

Me: Can I ask you something?

Him: Yes.

Me: Why do you want to see me so desperately?

Him: The distance of where we live is a lot.  But I travel more up there and I’d like to spend time getting reacquainted.

Me: That isn’t an answer to why.

Him: I want you to be proud of me.  For a while, I wasn’t doing good.

Ignore. 

Him: I also didn’t want to be a rebound thing from before

Ummm..what?  Ignore.

Him: Do you want to see me?

Me: Honestly.  I don’t know.

Him: We can always talk.

Ignore.

What in the fuck is wrong with people?  He did not want to be in my life, when I wanted him there.  He was mean to me and made me feel about myself.  So now, that he’s single and living 400 miles away, he wants to get “reacquainted”?  I’m pretty sure he just wants to get laid, but frankly, I have better options.

I’ve had enough of it.

I’m debating on messaging him back and telling him exactly how I feel about things.  I am not the same person I was a year ago, let alone five years ago.  My heart has been broken too many times and I’ve been played too many times.

So here is where I walk away.

Two side notes:

~ Today is 2 weeks since I messaged the 29 year old and 15 days since I heard from him.  He’s a pussy.

~ Haven’t heard from the married guy, since I told him I wouldn’t have a threesome with him.  Guess all those that said he didn’t care about me, hit the nail right on the head.