Closure Without A Goodbye

Boy…it’s been a long week.

A week ago, I went to visit my best friend J.  Her and her boyfriend are splitting up and she wanted me to come help her pack her stuff.  I told her that day that I wouldn’t be very much help packing.  I’m better at helping her sit outside and smoke.  It’s just a better title for me.

Anyway, I drove the 45 minutes to her house and not five minutes after I arrived, her boyfriend pulled up and parked right behind my car.

Let me give you a little background on her “boyfriend”.  They have been dating on and off for 8 years.  They live together, break up, miss each other, start dating and move back in together.  Repeat process.  Over and over and over.  And fucking over.

One summer, when they were broken up, he texted me.  I didn’t have his phone number in my phone, but when I asked who it was, he told me.  I immediately called my bestie and was on the phone with her while I responding to him.  He actually told me that I was sexy and he thought I felt the same about him.  That we should “get together”.  No prick.  We won’t.  Not today.  Not ever.

Back to last weekend.

He was there for a few minutes.  Grabbed a few things and left.  Turns out, this is when me and my bestie thought it would be a good idea to go to a local dive bar and have a few drinks.  BEFORE NOON.  It’s a bar that you can smoke in, so that is just icing on the proverbial cake for us.

Well, it turns out that drinking before noon, smoking and listening to some country music on the jukebox, automatically turns me in to a texting fool.  I sent a few messages to E, to which he responded nicely.  But had plans with someone else, so he couldn’t come visit me.  Dating a guy who is dating others, just plain sucks.  Then I texted the Accidental Relationship.  No response.  Then I thought it would be a good idea to text the 29 year old.  Bad idea.  No response.

When I got home that late afternoon and was fighting a slight hangover, I realized that I was mad.  Who are these men that think they can just keep ignoring me and not responding, but expect me to be here when they have time for me?

I was pissed.

Monday morning I sent the following messages:

Accidental Relationship: I know we have had our ups and downs, but frankly, I’m tired of trying.  I don’t deserve to be ignored.  I will always love you and wish you the best, but I’m done.  Good luck to you.

29 year old: You say you want to talk about things and explain things to me, yet you can’t respond to a simple text message.  So yes, from here on out, don’t contact me anymore.  Good luck to you.

Ok, so looking back, I probably should not have sent either text.  The initial one or the follow up one on Monday morning.  But I did.  It’s what I do.

The Accidental Relationship replied almost instantly.  Told me he was not ignoring me at all, but that in fact, he was driving to Washington with his kids, a 13 hour trip.

What the actual fuck?

He moved.  He left.  No goodbye.  No hug.  No see ya bitch!  Nothing.  Just gone.  My eyes welled up with tears.  As I responded to him, the tears fell.  I was forced to say goodbye to a man I loved.  Forced to say goodbye to a relationship I never expected.  He’s gone.  Breaks my heart.

The 29 year old responded after a few hours.  I’m not sure word for word of the messages, because I got pissed and erased them.  He told me basically that I was being hateful and hurtful to him.  That I wouldn’t even allow him the chance to explain.

I started crying all over again.

No one has ever called me hateful.  Not in all my 40 years on this planet.

It felt like a knife going through my heart.

I sent him a message back, telling him that I was not hateful or hurtful.  That he was the one with a fucking girlfriend and if he wanted to talk, he could call me anytime, and try to help me understand what happened.  I was not the one that lied or ignored him.

He responded quickly with “I’ll call you when I get back in town.  Probably Wednesday”.  That was 8 days ago.  I haven’t heard one word from him.  Not one text.  Not one phone call.  I was willing to sit down and listen.  I was willing to hear him out.  Now, not so much.  43 chances is enough.  Ok, maybe not 43, but definitely more than he deserves.  The 29 year old liar, has lied to me for the very last time.

That Monday was a rough day for me, emotionally.  I can’t remember the last time I cried, like I cried that day.  Maybe a little therapeutic.  Maybe a little childish.  Maybe just pent up anger and fear, that had no other way to get out.

I have also recently said goodbye to my New York.

He was dating a girl a few weeks ago.  Maybe a few months now, actually.  Anyway, that’s not the important part.

He posts pictures of them together on Facebook, which is totally ok, but it hurts to see it.  I am always really careful what I put on Facebook, because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  I told him that it was hard for me to see, but I understood.

Two weeks ago, he started texting me A LOT, every single day.  I knew that something had changed with his life, because usually his messages are about twice a week, not every day.  I asked him about it.  He said that he was tired of things not working out for him.  I asked if it was his girlfriend and he said “there is no girlfriend”.

Huh.

He kept telling me he missed me and wished that we weren’t 3000 miles apart.  He asked me to come to New York.  Told me he would pay for 2/3 of my plane ticket.  I wish I could have.  But I couldn’t go, for two reasons.  1) I don’t have the money.  2) I don’t want to say goodbye to him again.

Well, I saw a picture posted on Facebook of him and the girlfriend, on a plane, leaving for five days in Puerto Rico.  He’s smiling.  She’s smiling.  He’s excited for vacation.

I got tired of seeing it and got tired of playing the “what could have been if he didn’t move to NY game”.  He did move.  He’s not coming back.  He’s no different than any of them.  So, I deleted him on Facebook and out of my phone.  Have fun in Puerto Rico.

I’m in the process of healing my soul.

It’s getting there.  The more that I say goodbye to the toxic people in my world, the more I’m healing from the inside out.

I feel good about myself again.  I feel like I look pretty in the morning.  I feel sexy.  I feel like my soul and my heart are getting better.

I’ve seen E a few times since our initial meeting and hear from him daily.

E is a big part of why I’m feeling better.  He makes me feel beautiful and sexy and wanted.

I know I shouldn’t rely on a man to make me feel better, but let’s be real, it makes you feel more beautiful when you hear it and feel it.

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8 thoughts on “Closure Without A Goodbye

    1. It is a process and slowly, I’m learning to put myself first. At least sometimes. Ok, I’m not so much learning as much as I’m trying. 🙂

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  1. You just have to walk away. Go by their actions not their words. I had something similar with a man I “loved” for a year. It just ended up excuse after excuse. I had to cut communication. It’s his loss. And it’s their loss they dont want to talk to you or be honest. You are sexy! Believe in yourself 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You do not deserve to be treated the way these guys are treating you! It makes me so mad. You want to trust that a man will be good to you, and it’s so disappointing when he turns out to be a liar and/or a non-committal jerk. It’s even more frustrating when he tries to pin it back on you, unfairly (the 29-year-old). Hmph!

    Liked by 1 person

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