I can’t remember the last time I had an actual date. A pick-me-up-take-me-out-drop-me-off date. It’s sad really.
Since my separation and divorce, it’s more of a meet-somewhere-get-drunk-let’s-fuck kind of a date.
Which isn’t necessarily bad.
E and I have been seeing each other for three weeks now. Our first meeting was at an easy sports bar for a few drinks and getting to know each other time. I have no problem meeting someone in that situation. It’s nice to have my own car and control, just in case I don’t want to have sex with them. Granted, that is very rarely the case.
He has been to my house a couple times for dinner and sex. He has met my best friend and helped my daughter and her sister move.
We talk for hours on end and have text and snap chat conversations usually all day long, every day. Unless one of us has plans that night.
Last week, he told me that he wanted to take me to dinner. So last night, we had plans to go out. I asked him if he wanted to meet somewhere and he said “Are you crazy?!? This is a date. I’m coming to pick you up. Be ready at 6:30” Sheesh, demanding! But I was happy. To be completely honest, I took a screen shot of that conversation and sent it to my mom and two friends. Ok, it’s a little creepy, but I was happy. Genuinely HAPPY.
So I started getting ready. I hopped in the bathroom to shave
my girly parts legs.
I picked the
sluttiest cutest summer outfit I had.
Then…I started curling my hair. I curl my hair probably four out of seven days a week. This is not a new process to me. But…this happened.
Like a dumbass, who has never used a curling iron, I burned my neck. Three or four curls in. It happened so quickly. The damn thing literally jumped out of my hand, burning my neck and taking my good mood right along with it.
I opened a cold beer, had a cigarette and held some ice on my neck. Then proceeded to suck it up and finish curling my hair.
When he got there, I about jumped out of my
clothes skin. I was so happy to see him.
He wouldn’t tell me where we were going for dinner because he wanted to surprise me. He just told me that it was about a 30 minute drive and asked if I was ok with that.
We drove and chatted. Laughed. It’s probably some of the easiest conversation I’ve ever had with someone who wasn’t a lifelong friend.
We went to a nice Mexican restaurant and he sat next to me in the booth. He spent a lot of time rubbing my leg and my shoulders while being careful not to kiss my neck on the burned side. We had dinner and chatted about pet peeves, fears and weird little quirks. Again, such easy natural conversation.
After we left the restaurant, we went for dessert. It is a special little dessert that he enjoys and makes him smile and he shared it with me. His son is the only other person who has enjoyed this with him. I will keep the details to myself, but it was a good call and needless to say, made me feel pretty special.
I know you are probably rolling your eyes, thinking “sure, you’re the only one”. Well he is pretty honest with me, even when I don’t want to know things, so I am pretty sure he wouldn’t lie about this. Besides, he was like a kid on Christmas, waiting for me to taste it.
After dessert, we enjoyed the 30 minute drive home. Smoking, laughing, occasional stolen kisses at red lights and a little road head. Hey, he had just bought me dinner and dessert! Kidding, it wasn’t payment for anything. I enjoyed it and so did he.
When we got back to my house, I excused myself and changed into some pretty lingerie. A black, lacy, classy nightie. It really was quite flattering and quite pretty. E liked it, to say the very least.
We smoked and talked and had amazing sex. I mean incredible-mind-blowing-passionate-fast-slow-romantic-dirty sex. Wow. That’s really all I can say about it. The thing that man does to my body are really something to be talked about.
On a side note, I have found myself wanting to experiment with him and enjoying things with him, that I never thought I would.
We had a few more conversations that I wish he wouldn’t be quite so honest with me about. But I am grateful that he is honest.
I made a comment to him about wishing he didn’t have to be to work so early, because I wanted him to snuggle up in bed with me. This sweet man cuddled up in bed with me and made the decision to call in sick to work. Honestly, the emotional me, wanted to cry a little bit.
We snuggled up and started to drift off to sleep. About 15 minutes into our snuggling, he softly whispered “Andi?” I said “yah?” He leaned over and kissed me and said “I just wanted to say good night, beautiful”. Melt my fucking heart.
This morning, we woke up early, so he could call in sick. We ended up staying awake, snuggling and have the most amazing morning sex that I’ve ever had.
He laid on my bed and chatted with me while I got ready for work. He made me smile, just being there. He asked me to stay the night with him (breaking all his personal rules) on a Friday night. I asked him what Friday. His answer was a very simple “October 2nd?”
So, he’s making plans for a month from now.
Today, I’m struggling.
I am tired and inside my own head.
His words don’t match his actions. And in this case, his actions are way better than his words. He treats me like a girlfriend. He treats me like he adores me and would give me the world. To be fair, he says sweet things to me all the time, but he is constantly reminding me that he is seeing other people and has NO intention of settling down. He said he can offer me the world, except the title and the commitment.
His actions say he can give me the title and commitment.
He tells me he can’t see me more than once or twice a week, because he doesn’t want to get too attached to me. Or have me get too attached to him. Yet, he tells me he misses me and can’t wait to see me again.
Today, I am scared. I’m scared of losing him. I’m scared of pushing him away. I’m scared he isn’t going to want to see me anymore. I’m scared that for some reason, his feelings for me are going to change. That he’ll meet someone who he likes better. I’m scared I’m going to fall for him more and then he’ll be gone, like they are more often than not.
My head is bouncing back and forth between making the decision to run away myself and trying to talk myself down off the proverbial ledge. I am afraid to text him too much, but I am also afraid that if I don’t reach out, he’ll think something is wrong.
I didn’t want to fall for him.
I didn’t want to like him.
I know where he stands on things.
But he’s been to my house. He’s given me the best orgasms a girl could ever hope for. He’s met my girls and two of my best friends. He’s now stayed at my house and I’ve woken up with his arms around me.
It’s a new ball game for me.
How do I balance it out in my head?
How do I just let life be and see what happens?
Do I run?
I feel like a sundae. Anxiety Ice Cream, drizzled with insecurities and topped off with jerks fucking with my head.
I’m hoping for three things, by writing this about my crazy:
1) That other women (and men) will know they aren’t alone if they have internal struggles.
2) To get it out on “paper” and out of my damn head and heart.
3) Hopefully to get some solid and non-judgmental / non-hurtful advice from good women (or men) who knows how these struggles with anxiety and insecurity feel.