I’m Struggling

Since my last post, I have talked to E.  We have decided to put this fight behind us and move on.

Together.

Kind of.

Things haven’t changed.

Except he told me he loved me.

I’m back and forth on the reality of the situation and my expectations.  I’m hoping I’ll be able to put the words to my thoughts, in the next day or so.

4:26am

It is 4:26 in the morning and I have been up for exactly one hour and 42 minutes.

I cannot shut my brain off.

My alarm is going to go off in less than two hours, to get up and get ready for work.

Things have gone terribly wrong with E this week.

It’s been horrible.

I do not want to hear “I told you so” or “You should have known”.

None of this is relevant to me.

I’m hurting.

I’ve been crying on and off for days.

I cannot eat.  And when I do, it comes right back up.

My eyes hurt.  My heart hurts.

I miss him.

I miss us.

Although, this experience has made me realize a few things.

I know now how I want to be loved.  I know how I want a man to treat me, look at me and make love to me.  I know how I want to be kissed and touched.  I realize the things that are important in a relationship and what doesn’t really matter.

I also know that the length of time you know someone, does not change the feelings. They are real.  I fought falling for E.  It didn’t matter.  I adore this man.  I miss him more than I thought I would.

I know that he cares about me.  Loves me even.  As much as he is capable of.  I don’t know if this is over for good.  I don’t know if we can rebound from this.  All I do know is that I miss him.  That my life feels emptier now than it did a week ago.

Maybe it will work out.  Maybe it won’t.  I know I will be ok, regardless of what happens.  My heart will mend and every single day, it will hurt a little less.  But right now, I’m sad.  I feel overwhelmed.  I’m exhausted and yet wide awake.  I’m starving but only for his touch.

Now it is 4:40am.

I am going to lay down and try to close my eyes.  I’m going to hope I can sleep and sleep without tears.  For at least a few minutes.

Sometimes, Good Things Happen

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I have never been secret about my love affair with Luke Bryan.

If I had the money, I would travel the world to see this man.  His voice.  His smile.  His dancing.  Oh…his dancing.

I have seen him twice in concert, including last year, when I purchased a fairly high priced ticket on Stub Hub, and went alone.

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Yesterday, I realized that Luke was going to be here on Thursday night.

I’m broke.

I posted on Facebook that I could not believe that I wasn’t going to be able to see Luke this year.  Now, I realize that to some, it’s just a concert.  For me, it’s Luke Bryan.

How could he be coming to Northern California and me not see him?

*Fast forward to this morning*

Alarm goes off.  How can it be morning already?!?!

I hit snooze and lay back down.  Take that!

Alarm goes off again.  Fuck you.

Go outside and smoke.  I do not want to go to work today!

Turn on the radio.  I still do not want to go to work.

Radio DJ’s remind me that Luke will be here tomorrow.  Thanks.  I fucking remember.

“You could win tickets to see Luke Bryan!”  Really?  Ok.  I’ll try.

“Not only tickets, pit passes to tomorrow’s show!”  Oh fuck!

“Here’s your question: What is Luke’s real first name?”  I know this!!

“Call now” Ok, I’m fucking dialing!

RING.   RING.  RING.  RING.

“Hi! What’s the answer?”

THOMAS!  IT’S THOMAS LUTHER BRYAN!!!!!

“You’re a winner!  You are going to see Luke Bryan tomorrow night!!!”

Oh.  My.  Fucking.  God. 

It was not a dream.  I won two pit passes to tomorrow night’s show.  Luke Bryan.  Me.  Tomorrow night.  Pit passes.

I could pee myself.

Good things happen to those who love Luke Bryan.

And I do.

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No Title Needed

Google. Facebook. Twitter. Instagram.

Social media. We love it. We follow friends, we follow strangers, we follow celebrities.

We Google directions. We look up songs, movies, actors. We settle fights with our friends. We meet people. We rely on the Internet to keep us informed, to get is where we are going, to find our soulmate. We check sports scores and emails.

It’s wonderful.

Tonight, the Internet told me that another celebrity is in the hospital, fighting for his life.

This post isn’t about the Internet. It isn’t about social media. It isn’t about celebrities. It isn’t about drama.

It’s about addiction.

Lamar Odom, ex-professional NBA player, ex-husband to Khloe Kardashian is fighting for his life.

More importantly, a man, a son, a father, is fighting for his life.

I don’t know Lamar Odom. I know I hated him when he was a Laker. I know he was married to a Kardashian. I know he has more money than I can comprehend.

I also know he fights an addiction.

An addiction that very well might end his life tonight. A mother might have to say goodbye to her son. Children might have to say goodbye to their dad.

My daughter’s father is an addict.

It is very probable that someday, we will have to say goodbye to him.

Addiction is ugly. It hurts everyone surrounded by it and confronted with it. It is not just a problem for the person fighting the addiction.

My prayers go out to Lamar Odom tonight. I hope he survives and wins this battle.

But my prayers go out to everyone battling an addiction. To everyone who is laying in a hospital bed fighting for their life because of an addiction.

It’s real. And it sucks.

I’m Confused

I have refrained from writing in detail about the way things are going with E, for a couple different reasons.

First, because I don’t want to jinx it.  Second, because I already know what people are going to say to me.  But frankly, now, I just have to get it out of my head.  I’m driving myself crazy with the mass confusion and back and forth thoughts.

E and I “met” on Tinder.  It’s been almost three months ago.  He was very upfront with me about where he was in life and what he was looking for.  He said he wasn’t looking for a relationship.  That he was damaged and needed to work on healing himself.  He said he was looking for friends and if the benefits came along with it, then so be it.

I responded with the typical responses.  I don’t want to be a booty call or one night stand.  I am looking for a relationship.  I want to be loved and wanted, to my very core.  Ok, I didn’t really say that last one, but it’s true.

So, here we are, three months later.  We’ve been dating for two months.  We see each other on average, about twice a week.  I do not have any other friends that I see that often.  I don’t even see my mom that often.  Sometimes he comes to my house and I make him dinner and sometimes he takes me out to dinner.  It’s become a nice balance and pretty comfortable.

We look like a couple.  We laugh together.  We hold hands and kiss in public.  He’s a gentleman when it comes to opening doors for me, letting me order first, making sure he picks a restaurant that he thinks I’ll enjoy the food and atmosphere.  He is very thoughtful.  He has become, in all facets of my mind, my boyfriend.  I don’t want to date anyone else.  I have absolutely no desire to sleep with anyone else.  I don’t even want to talk to anyone else.

Then the reality of the situation slaps me across the face like a bag of rocks.  I’m not the only girl he is seeing.  I know for a fact that he is fucking his roommate.  I don’t think I’d call them dating, because really, they are just friends, roommates and fuck buddies.

I’ve met her.  I don’t like her.

It bothers me.  The thoughts that go through my head, when him and I are not together, are really ugly.

I wonder if she crawls in to his bed every evening.  I wonder if he walks up to her in the kitchen and kisses her neck, like he does me.  I wonder if she cooks for him.  I wonder if when he is fucking her, the same passion is there that he has with me.  I wonder if he tells her the same things that he tells me.  Does he touch her body, the same way he touches mine?  Do her orgasms come as strongly and as frequently as mine do?

I’m telling you, it’s enough to drive a completely sane woman absolutely crazy.

Let alone a woman who is already walking on the edge of sanity.

The logical side of me thinks I need to push these thoughts out of my head.   The logical side of me thinks I need to remember what him and I have and that is all I can control.  The logical side of me thinks he has been completely honest with me, so why lie about them being more than they are?

He has been overly honest with me since we started talking.  He was upfront about the roommate.  Upfront about his intentions.  Upfront about the other girls that he was dating and the girls he is talking to.  He has told me things that would have been better off unsaid.

I have spoken to a few close friends and my sister, about my situation with E.  Those that know me better than most and know the situation, have all said the same exact thing to me: Andi, it’s ok that he’s seeing other people.  He’s being honest and that’s what dating is.  and they have said: He makes you happier than anyone has.  You smile when you talk about him.  Hang in there, if you can and don’t walk away from something so great.  It’s still early.

So here’s me.

Sitting here.

A few random tears stream down my face occasionally.

I miss him when we aren’t together and can’t get enough of him when we are together.

I don’t want to walk away.

I don’t want him to commit if he isn’t ready to be all in.

I just don’t want to think of him fucking other people.  Making love to other people.  Kissing other people.  Caressing other people.

I wish men were smart enough to see the right way to do things.  Any men reading this, please don’t be offended.  I don’t care how most men see things, just E.  I love you all!

He needs to come to the decision on his own.  And I hope he will, before I have to go live at the insane asylum.

Any advice, to help me cope, is welcome.  I’m not ready to walk away.  I’m not ready to give ultimatums.  I just need to be right in my own head, so I don’t screw things up with him.

Oh and on a bitchy note, I went to a winery last weekend named ANDIS.  You throw an apostrophe in that and you’ve got Andi’s.   So what did I do?  I bought E a glass from there.  It says “ANDIS WINES” on it.

I’m sure the roommate will be pleased to see him drinking out of the glass I bought him, with my name on it.

*Cue Evil Laugh*