I’m Confused

I have refrained from writing in detail about the way things are going with E, for a couple different reasons.

First, because I don’t want to jinx it.  Second, because I already know what people are going to say to me.  But frankly, now, I just have to get it out of my head.  I’m driving myself crazy with the mass confusion and back and forth thoughts.

E and I “met” on Tinder.  It’s been almost three months ago.  He was very upfront with me about where he was in life and what he was looking for.  He said he wasn’t looking for a relationship.  That he was damaged and needed to work on healing himself.  He said he was looking for friends and if the benefits came along with it, then so be it.

I responded with the typical responses.  I don’t want to be a booty call or one night stand.  I am looking for a relationship.  I want to be loved and wanted, to my very core.  Ok, I didn’t really say that last one, but it’s true.

So, here we are, three months later.  We’ve been dating for two months.  We see each other on average, about twice a week.  I do not have any other friends that I see that often.  I don’t even see my mom that often.  Sometimes he comes to my house and I make him dinner and sometimes he takes me out to dinner.  It’s become a nice balance and pretty comfortable.

We look like a couple.  We laugh together.  We hold hands and kiss in public.  He’s a gentleman when it comes to opening doors for me, letting me order first, making sure he picks a restaurant that he thinks I’ll enjoy the food and atmosphere.  He is very thoughtful.  He has become, in all facets of my mind, my boyfriend.  I don’t want to date anyone else.  I have absolutely no desire to sleep with anyone else.  I don’t even want to talk to anyone else.

Then the reality of the situation slaps me across the face like a bag of rocks.  I’m not the only girl he is seeing.  I know for a fact that he is fucking his roommate.  I don’t think I’d call them dating, because really, they are just friends, roommates and fuck buddies.

I’ve met her.  I don’t like her.

It bothers me.  The thoughts that go through my head, when him and I are not together, are really ugly.

I wonder if she crawls in to his bed every evening.  I wonder if he walks up to her in the kitchen and kisses her neck, like he does me.  I wonder if she cooks for him.  I wonder if when he is fucking her, the same passion is there that he has with me.  I wonder if he tells her the same things that he tells me.  Does he touch her body, the same way he touches mine?  Do her orgasms come as strongly and as frequently as mine do?

I’m telling you, it’s enough to drive a completely sane woman absolutely crazy.

Let alone a woman who is already walking on the edge of sanity.

The logical side of me thinks I need to push these thoughts out of my head.   The logical side of me thinks I need to remember what him and I have and that is all I can control.  The logical side of me thinks he has been completely honest with me, so why lie about them being more than they are?

He has been overly honest with me since we started talking.  He was upfront about the roommate.  Upfront about his intentions.  Upfront about the other girls that he was dating and the girls he is talking to.  He has told me things that would have been better off unsaid.

I have spoken to a few close friends and my sister, about my situation with E.  Those that know me better than most and know the situation, have all said the same exact thing to me: Andi, it’s ok that he’s seeing other people.  He’s being honest and that’s what dating is.  and they have said: He makes you happier than anyone has.  You smile when you talk about him.  Hang in there, if you can and don’t walk away from something so great.  It’s still early.

So here’s me.

Sitting here.

A few random tears stream down my face occasionally.

I miss him when we aren’t together and can’t get enough of him when we are together.

I don’t want to walk away.

I don’t want him to commit if he isn’t ready to be all in.

I just don’t want to think of him fucking other people.  Making love to other people.  Kissing other people.  Caressing other people.

I wish men were smart enough to see the right way to do things.  Any men reading this, please don’t be offended.  I don’t care how most men see things, just E.  I love you all!

He needs to come to the decision on his own.  And I hope he will, before I have to go live at the insane asylum.

Any advice, to help me cope, is welcome.  I’m not ready to walk away.  I’m not ready to give ultimatums.  I just need to be right in my own head, so I don’t screw things up with him.

Oh and on a bitchy note, I went to a winery last weekend named ANDIS.  You throw an apostrophe in that and you’ve got Andi’s.   So what did I do?  I bought E a glass from there.  It says “ANDIS WINES” on it.

I’m sure the roommate will be pleased to see him drinking out of the glass I bought him, with my name on it.

*Cue Evil Laugh*

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7 thoughts on “I’m Confused

  1. I can only say that you knew from the start what the risks were. He was upfront which was good. You can’t go thinking about other women. Just enjoy the time together. If he can’t see what a wonderful woman you are and want to commit, then it’s his loss.

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  2. I’ve been thinking about what to say – on the one hand, I can say for you to let go of what you really want. That’s the path to getting hurt less. But on the other hand, I do feel pretty strongly that if someone can’t commit to you, you should move on. You wanting more than what he can give seems to be a recipe for disaster and lots of hurt.

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    1. Thank you Ann! I don’t want to give up the things I ultimately want out of life, I guess I just feel like it’s only been a few months. I am not trying to talk him into a relationship, just waiting to see where things go. I promise you this…I will not be patient forever. I will not let this continue forever. I will not go without being a priority forever. xoxo

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      1. Are you expecting that he will change his mind on what he wants? That he will decide at some future point he wants to be exclusive?

        And if so, what possible motivation could you be giving him when you are giving him all of the “goodies” without asking for what you want and need?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I am not expecting him to change his mind or decide he wants to be exclusive. Expecting something like that, especially this early, would be detrimental to my well being. And I guess maybe I haven’t talked enough about our conversations, but he does know exactly what I want and need and how I’m feeling. We are very open in our conversations. The weird thing is, I am not even upset about him dating other people right now, because IF (and that’s a huge if) he decides he wants to be exclusive with me, I want to know that he has dated others and that I’m the ONE he wants. My biggest problem is him sleeping with his roommate, because she’s there all the time.

        I hope this makes sense.

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      3. It makes sense, but it seems to me perhaps there’s a part of you that is justifying his behavior at the expense of you wanting more. Perhaps I’m misreading… but I am highly skeptical of a man like what you are describing deciding to be exclusive. Sorry :/

        Liked by 1 person

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