It is 4:26 in the morning and I have been up for exactly one hour and 42 minutes.
I cannot shut my brain off.
My alarm is going to go off in less than two hours, to get up and get ready for work.
Things have gone terribly wrong with E this week.
It’s been horrible.
I do not want to hear “I told you so” or “You should have known”.
None of this is relevant to me.
I’ve been crying on and off for days.
I cannot eat. And when I do, it comes right back up.
My eyes hurt. My heart hurts.
I miss him.
I miss us.
Although, this experience has made me realize a few things.
I know now how I want to be loved. I know how I want a man to treat me, look at me and make love to me. I know how I want to be kissed and touched. I realize the things that are important in a relationship and what doesn’t really matter.
I also know that the length of time you know someone, does not change the feelings. They are real. I fought falling for E. It didn’t matter. I adore this man. I miss him more than I thought I would.
I know that he cares about me. Loves me even. As much as he is capable of. I don’t know if this is over for good. I don’t know if we can rebound from this. All I do know is that I miss him. That my life feels emptier now than it did a week ago.
Maybe it will work out. Maybe it won’t. I know I will be ok, regardless of what happens. My heart will mend and every single day, it will hurt a little less. But right now, I’m sad. I feel overwhelmed. I’m exhausted and yet wide awake. I’m starving but only for his touch.
Now it is 4:40am.
I am going to lay down and try to close my eyes. I’m going to hope I can sleep and sleep without tears. For at least a few minutes.