Help

I’m in need of some advice. Please refrain from telling me what an idiot I am.

E and I have had a good relationship, for almost 4 months. He has been completely open and honest about dating others, including his roommate.

I told him from the beginning that I would not compete with her. That I was me and he could either date me or not.

Things have progressed fairly quickly. We have actually told each other that we loved each other and about a week ago, he told me that he was IN love with me.

I have also told him, numerous times, that I didn’t know how long I would be able to be in this situation. I didn’t know if it would be 5 days, 5 weeks or 5 months. I know at some point, it will be too much, but there is no way to tell when that might be.

Its always been hard for me, but right now, the good times outweigh the bad. By a fucking long shot. So I’ve been coping.

When I know he is with her, I leave him alone. I don’t text him and I don’t send him snapchats. As much it bothers me, I respect HIM enough to let him figure things out on his own. I believe that if we are meant to be together,  he’ll see that and end things on his own.

Well, every time we are together, she blows up his phone. I mean blows it the fuck up. Texts, snapchats and phone calls. He doesn’t respond usually and doesn’t look at her snaps. He’s respectful like that. Last night, she was texting him after midnight. I got pissed. I told him that she should have enough respect for him, to let him be while he is with me.

She stalks my Facebook. She puts pictures of them together as her profile pic and then tags him, so I’ll see it.

Tonight, something happened that has my blood boiling, my muscles tight and it’s making me want to cry.

E and I have played Yahtzee together, several times. He has even played with my family. My mom and my kid. Tonight, she posted a picture of her, blowing on dice in his hand, and said something like ‘time for Yahtzee!’

And of course, she fucking tagged him in it.

I still will not compete with her.

I will not tag him in anything, because I do not want to cause problems.

But my feelings are hurt. He knows how I feel. He knows it hurts me. I know that he can’t control what she posts to Facebook, but he can control what she tags him in.

Ultimately, he cannot control her texts or when she contacts him, but he can ask her to respect him enough to not message him when she knows he’s here.

How do I handle this?

I will not give him an ultimatum. I won’t.

Do I walk away and hope he makes the right decision?

Do I hold on and let her dig her own grave?

Do I tell her she’s a fucking cunt?

I love this man. I’m falling in love with him. I cannot imagine my life without him in it right now, but I also don’t know how much more I can take.

She’s a 46 year old woman who has resorted to high school games on Facebook.

I’m angry.

I’m hurt.

My heart is sad that he allows her to hurt me like this.

Makes me question all his feelings for me.

Makes me question if this can ever work.

Makes me question everything he has said about his situation.

Oh and to be fair and provide a necessary fact, I did text him when I saw the picture and told him ‘I hope you had a good time playing Yahtzee tonight’.

I guess that wasn’t very mature.

He didn’t respond. Logically, I know he’s sleeping because he has to work tomorrow. Emotionally, I think they are probably fucking.

Please help.

Stop Facebook Stalking Me

Facebook is fabulous.  You can catch up with high school friends, post pictures of drunk escapades, play the ever-challenging Candy Crush Soda Saga and keep up with the most current unpleasant news and politics.

But let’s face it, we all know that Facebook is really an easy way to “stalk” people.   We’ve all done it.  So please, if you are reading this and saying “I’ve never done that!”, you’re lying.

stalking-on-facebook

When I was having an affair with a married man, I used to go on once in a while and look at his wife’s page.  There wasn’t a lot I could see, but pics of their kids and some of them together.  It was a reality check to me.  Kind of kept me grounded.

Also, when I was meeting people online, once we exchanged phone numbers, I would put the number into Facebook to see if they came up.  Make sure there are no pictures of a wife or girlfriend.  I’m not sure I consider that stalking though.  It’s all about safety.

Last night, E met my parents for the first time.  A big step.  He went with me to my mom’s for dinner and games.  He fit right in.  Freaked me out a little actually.  They chatted, we had dinner and then chatted some more.  We made some cute little candy dishes out of actual candies.

In the middle of candy dish making and having a few vodka and lemonade drinks, I decided that E and I needed a picture together.  I was standing behind him, threw my arms around his neck and he snapped the picture.  It might be one of the best pictures I have ever taken, with my clothes on.

I immediately uploaded the picture to Facebook and made it my profile picture.  I did not tag him in the photo though.  For one reason and one reason only, I didn’t want the roommate to think I was peeing on his leg, or trying to make her feel bad.  I clearly don’t like her because of the situation, but I am not a vindictive or hurtful person.

After I uploaded the picture, my friends starting “liking” it and commenting on it.

Let me explain why.

I have been single for the better part of 5 years now.  I have only posted one picture of me and another man.  New York.  When I was in New York, I posted a pic of him and I together.  I have avoided doing it because 1) I haven’t cared that much about anyone who wasn’t in a relationship or married; 2) I didn’t want to answer any questions from anyone who didn’t matter.

So, needless to say, my friends were all over it.

Cute couple!

You look so happy!

Adorable!

E looks at me and says “did you tag me in that photo?”  I said no.

E asks to see the comments on the photo because he has very little service.  I show him.

E tells me he wants to go outside and smoke.  I join him.

E shows me a text conversation that he is having with the roommate, within 30 minutes of me changing my profile picture.

Her: Could you please tell Andi to block me on Facebook?  I do not want to see her profile pictures or the comments under it.

Him: She didn’t tag me, so…

So she’s checking out my Facebook?  If she doesn’t want to see my stuff, quit looking at it. 

Him: If you don’t want to see her pictures, quit looking at her page.

I am not going to block her.  I am a 40 year old woman.  If she wants to block me, have at it.

Him: You are already stalking her page, block her.

Her: I know, but if I block her, I can unblock her just as easily.  How about if we block each other?

Her: I’ve changed my picture to one of just me now.

I’m not blocking her E.  I didn’t tag you because I don’t want to cause problems for you or try make her jealous or angry.  But I’m not blocking her.  She can be an adult and stay off my Facebook page. 

He agreed and as far as I know, never responded to her.

Now, in the past, I have looked at her Facebook as well.  I was bothered by some things I saw, so I am using my brain and mustering up some self restraint.  I don’t look at it anymore.  The main difference between her and I?  She posts pictures of them together and then tags him in them.  They show up in my feed.  I deal with it.  I know the situation and I cope.

If we aren’t friends on Facebook and you are stalking me, you CANNOT be pissed or get your feelings hurt about anything I’m posting.

Stop stalking me if you don’t want to see my face.

It’s really, really that fucking simple.

I Have Realized My Problem

E: I’m cooking tonight.

Me: Whatcha cooking?

E: You’re gonna be mad at me.

Me: Why?

E: I promised the roommate when it cooled off outside, I’d make lasagna.  So that’s what I’m making.

Me: Oh.  Enjoy.

E: Please don’t hate me.

Me: I could never hate you.  I just wish I didn’t know you were cooking for someone else.

E: I shouldn’t have said anything.  I’m sorry.

Me: Don’t be.  I have to learn to deal with it.

He didn’t respond.  He knows how I feel about the roommate.  I believe him when he says he loves me.  I can see it on his face and feel it when we’re together.  I believe him when he says that they are just friends now, that he is not attracted to her at all.  I believe it in my heart.

So I’m hitting here tonight, fighting tears.  Trying to figure out if I should send him a message or not.  Trying to figure out if I just want to let it go and make him think about things.

While overthinking this situation (which is probably nothing), I figured out what my problem is.

I am so desperately afraid that if I voice my feelings or my concerns or let him know when I’m hurting, that he isn’t going to love me anymore.  That he isn’t going to want to see me or be with me anymore.

Fear runs my life.

I am terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing.  TERRIFIED.

How can I be ok in my head, knowing that I need to be able to voice my own opinion and feelings, without the fear of someone leaving me?  Or not loving me anymore?

I know it’s stupid.

I know it’s completely ridiculous.

This man loves me.  Genuinely loves me.

I need to figure out how not to be afraid anymore.

Mind v Reality

I have no doubts that E loves me.  Not one doubt.

However, I know he is also scared to love me.  To love anyone.  Right  now.  He has told me that he may get to a point where he pulls away a little bit.  For self preservation maybe.  I don’t know.  It’s not how I work, so I can’t explain it.

I feel like he’s doing that today.

It may all be in my head.  I have been known, a FEW times, to get worked up in my own head and before I know it, things are completely blown out of proportion.

He may just be having a bad day.

He may be having a great day but just be overly tired.

He may have something on his mind that has nothing to do with me.

Because of the situation, my mind gets the better of me.  Always.

I’m panicking a little bit.

What if he has a date?

What if he is pulling away?

Will he come back?

Will things be ok?

FUCK.

Talking Sex

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When I was 11, I had a neighbor who was 3 years older than me.  Her name was Jennifer.

One day, we were outside, listening to Duran Duran on the boom box and she made an unsolicited comment to me that, at the time, made me cry.  She said “Andi, you have dick sucking lips.”

What the actual fuck did that mean?

I knew what she was saying, but really?  Only one thought went through my 11 year old brain.  Why in the world would anyone suck a dick? 

Fast forward 29 years.

Now, I get it.  Sucking dick is not my favorite thing, but I’m pretty gifted in that department and frankly, I love the look on the guys face.  So, ultimately, Jennifer was right.  I apparently do have dick sucking lips.

Almost everything I learned about sex, I learned from friends or by trial and error, with various partners over the years.  Which is probably pretty common.

I think there are some people out there that have actual “sex” conversations with their parents, but is your mom really going to get in to detail?  Is she really going to tell you what positions feel the best, that sometimes it’s ok to be spanked?  No, probably not.

I have had so many different sexual experiences over my life.  As we all have.  Well, most of us.  Ok, maybe just the whores out there.  *raises hand*  I love sex.  However, over the years, I have run in to many different types of sex, some good and some horrific.

Jackhammer: In my experience, this guy usually has a pretty good-sized dick and has ZERO clue what to do with it.  He consistently jackhammers your vag, over and over, with no regards to how it might feel to you.  I dated a Jackhammer once and I’m pretty sure he is the reason I had to have my gall bladder removed.  I’m kidding about that, but dammit, learn some skill.

Sex With a Rhythm:  Don’t knock it until you try it.  The Accidental Relationship and I had amazing sex.  A-Fucking-Mazing.  He was above average in size and boy oh boy did this guy know how to use it!  He told me, after about 3 months of fucking, that he would play certain theme songs in his head and move along to the rhythm in his head.  His favorites (and mine) were the Jaws theme and Addams Family theme.  Give it a shot!

Is It In?:  Sad but true.  I do not have a stretched out vagina.  I just don’t.  I actually don’t even know if this happens.  But I’ve had enough men tell me over the years that I’m tight.  The first time I had sex with Is It In Guy, ended up being the last time.  We were making out, he went down on me (which was fucking amazing) and then when it came down to the actual intercourse, he said “God you feel so good!”.  Um.  Thank you?  But are you in yet?  Horrible.  That was it for me and him.  Buh Bye.

All About You:  Not to be confused with the “All About Me” guy.  All about you is the guy who just wants to make sure you are satisfied and enjoying the experience to the fullest.  This guy might be one of my favorites.  He usually tries harder than most. The only bad thing about All About You, is that he may be insecure and ask too many questions.  Dude, if I’m arching my back, moaning in your ear and my eyes are rolling back in my head, please don’t ask me if it feels good.  It does.

Narrator:  I like dirty talk in bed, as much as the next whore.  BUT, I do not need it all narrated for me.  You don’t need to tell me that you are sliding your cock deep inside me.  If you are doing it right, I’m feeling it.  Go ahead and tell me how amazing I feel and when you’re gonna cum, but please do not tell me that you are going to lift one of my legs up on your shoulder, put one hand on the bed and then slide it in four times, before we both cum.  I’m there.  I know all these things.  Just watch what you are saying.

Even having these sexual experiences and many others, there were still things that I heard about and read about, that I wasn’t sure I could ever get on board with.

Well, it turns out, if you have the right person that is willing to be patient with you and that you trust completely, some of these boundaries might change and you might actually end up enjoying things that you didn’t think you would.

Over the last five years, I have had a couple different guys try to choke me during sex. I actually freaked the fuck out.  In one instance, I actually cried.  Let me explain my reaction.  When I was 18 years old, my daughter’s father tried to strangle me.  Not during sex.  Out of pure hatred and rage.  He actually put his hands around my throat and squeezed.  It was terrifying.  22 years later, the thought of having someone’s hands around my neck, is scary.

Enter E.

We are very open in our discussions about sex.  We always have been.  He texted me a fantasy one night, that involved some light choking.  I panicked.  I explained my past to him and he completely understood.  Thanked me for being honest with him and promised to never push the envelope with me.

After about a month of having sex with E and getting to know him so well, one night after a few shots of tequila, I decided I wanted to try some light easy choking.  Nothing scary.  Just wanted to see what it was about.

Yes.  I loved it.

There have been a couple new things that I have tried with E.  Some I loved and some I could do without.  I love the fact that I can be honest with him, tell him exactly how I feel about certain things, with no judgement or him being upset.  I also love that I can ask questions that probably seem a little naive to him and he will give me his honest thoughts about it.

He never tries new things with me, until we talk about it first.

I was thinking about starting a sex bucket list, but honestly, I’m not sure what would be on it right now.  As experienced as I thought I was, this man is opening new sensations and new emotions for me.

I’m so anxious and excited to see where this journey takes me.  Sexually and emotionally.

Mass Confusion

Things I know:

He loves me.  I can see it in his eyes and in his face when he looks at me.

I love him.

He is letting me in, more than he wanted to or expected to.

I am getting in to his heart, by doing nothing more than being me.

He cannot imagine his life without me right now.

I cannot imagine my life without him in it right now.

He can’t make me any promises right now, for long term or an exclusive relationship. I don’t agree with his reasons, but I understand that he has legitimate concerns for himself.

I want a relationship with him.  I want to be a couple.  I want him to be my man. My forever or at least a chance to find out if he is my forever.

He is struggling daily with his feelings for me.

I fight back tears every day when we aren’t together.

I know he is sleeping with other girls.  His roommate being one of them.  He isn’t meeting anyone new, but existing “friends” that he had before me, are still there, occasionally.

I am not sleeping with or seeing anyone else.  I don’t want to date.  I don’t want to feel anyone else touch me or kiss me.  I don’t want anyone in my bed.

I don’t know where this leaves me.

I know he loves me but when he says he will not be exclusive right now, all I am hearing is “You’re great, but you aren’t enough”.  Over and over.  “You’re sweet, wonderful, beautiful, amazing, best sex ever, knocking down my walls…but it isn’t enough.  YOU aren’t enough.”

He’s NOT saying these words to me.  He’s not telling me I’m not enough.  It’s just what my heart is hearing.

It is what my heart always hears.

When I am with him, I am on cloud nine.  When I’m not, I physically miss him.  I get sad.  I wonder what or who he is doing.

I am afraid that he is going to find someone who he likes better.  Someone who steals his heart away from me.  Logically, I know if it’s meant to be, it will be.  No one can take his heart from me, if we are meant to be together.  Logically, I fucking get it.

Tonight, sitting here knowing that tomorrow night, he and his roommate will be going out to do whatever the fuck they are doing, my heart is already sad.  Logic is out the window.

Some days, I think I can’t do this.  I can’t be the girl who isn’t enough.

Other days, I think I can definitely do this.  That this is worth waiting for.

Some days, I want to tell him to get bent.  To go ahead and fuck whoever he wants, that I won’t be a part of it.

Other days, I want to beg him to be with me.  To not fuck anyone else and give “us” a chance.  A real chance.

As tough as the situation is, I also logically know that we have been seeing each other for a little less than three months.  No decisions need to be made today.  He doesn’t need to know that I’m  “the one” right now.

It may be time for me to go to sleep.  Keep myself busy while he is on his date tomorrow and patiently wait for the next time I see him.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day I decide I can’t do it.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day he decides he can.

Falling In Love

falling_in_love___wallpaper_2_by_sinistersal-d6utoed

I am falling head over heels in love with E.

I’ve tried to stop it.  I’ve tried to fight it.  Turns out, my heart isn’t listening to my head at all.  AT ALL.

Back in July, we both swiped right on Tinder.  It was shortly after my 40th Birthday and shortly after finding out about the 29 year old’s girlfriend.  I was back on Tinder to prove a point to myself and to occupy my time and thoughts.

We texted and communicated on Snapchat, for almost 5 weeks before we finally met.  I knew he wasn’t looking for a relationship.  He was honest with me about where he stood, in our very first conversation.  There was something intangible.  Something that wouldn’t let me walk away from this guy.  Even though our lives didn’t mesh, I couldn’t stop talking to him.

When we finally met, it was so comfortable from the very beginning.  No awkwardness.  No uncomfortable silences.  No looking at my phone, wondering when it was appropriate for me to sneak out.

I remember the very moment I knew it was different.  I felt it.  That intangible something that makes things right.  If you have never experienced that feeling, I hope you do at some point.  If you have experienced it, you know what I’m trying to describe.

We were deciding on what appetizer to order, if any.  I said “Nothing with garlic, unless we are both going to eat it.  I want to make sure you’ll want to kiss me later.”  Because yes, I’m just that forward.  He looked at me and said “Why wait?” and he leaned in and kissed me.  Gentle, sweet, romantic.  In the middle of a crowded sports bar, we had our first little spark.  There was no going back at that point.  Something just felt right.

We have been dating for almost three months.

He goes on dates with his roommate and sometimes they fuck.  He has females friends that he talks to daily.  I found out this week, from him, that he has sex with a few other people, in the three months we’ve been dating.  It stung, but he was honest and we aren’t exclusive.

He is more open and honest with me than I would like him to be sometimes.  He is better to me than any man has ever been.

As fucked up as this situation is, it is definitely headed in some direction.  Either we will be together eventually OR  I will have my heart ripped out of my chest, stepped on and then chewed on by a wild animal.  I’m hoping for the former.

He does love me.  This is not speculation on my part.  He has actually said the words.

He is scared to death because he thinks he’s a “Fucker Upper”.  I am of the opinion that every relationship is going to fail, until you find the right person.  I don’t know if I’m that right person for him or not, but I may be.  I’m not sure you have to know, after three months.

I was completely honest with him and told him that right now, right this very minute, I was doing okay with the situation.  And that is true.  I told him that it’s hard for me.  That is true.  I also, very emphatically, told him that if and when I got to a point where I couldn’t do it anymore, I would tell him.  I would not give him an ultimatum but would gracefully bow out.  To protect to my own heart from getting eaten by lions.

I am not ready to walk away from this man.

I will not wait around forever, but I am not putting a time limit on it.

I love him.  I am slowly, every single week, falling IN love with him.

I was very hesitant to write this post.  I have been fighting it.  For weeks.

I don’t want to hear all the things I’m doing wrong in this relationship.  I do not want to hear that if he really loved me, he’d be exclusive.  I get all of that.  Believe me.  But I also know that most of the conversations between him and I, are going to stay between him and I.

No one can understand the way I love and how real this feels to me.  Except him. He gets it.