Falling In Love

falling_in_love___wallpaper_2_by_sinistersal-d6utoed

I am falling head over heels in love with E.

I’ve tried to stop it.  I’ve tried to fight it.  Turns out, my heart isn’t listening to my head at all.  AT ALL.

Back in July, we both swiped right on Tinder.  It was shortly after my 40th Birthday and shortly after finding out about the 29 year old’s girlfriend.  I was back on Tinder to prove a point to myself and to occupy my time and thoughts.

We texted and communicated on Snapchat, for almost 5 weeks before we finally met.  I knew he wasn’t looking for a relationship.  He was honest with me about where he stood, in our very first conversation.  There was something intangible.  Something that wouldn’t let me walk away from this guy.  Even though our lives didn’t mesh, I couldn’t stop talking to him.

When we finally met, it was so comfortable from the very beginning.  No awkwardness.  No uncomfortable silences.  No looking at my phone, wondering when it was appropriate for me to sneak out.

I remember the very moment I knew it was different.  I felt it.  That intangible something that makes things right.  If you have never experienced that feeling, I hope you do at some point.  If you have experienced it, you know what I’m trying to describe.

We were deciding on what appetizer to order, if any.  I said “Nothing with garlic, unless we are both going to eat it.  I want to make sure you’ll want to kiss me later.”  Because yes, I’m just that forward.  He looked at me and said “Why wait?” and he leaned in and kissed me.  Gentle, sweet, romantic.  In the middle of a crowded sports bar, we had our first little spark.  There was no going back at that point.  Something just felt right.

We have been dating for almost three months.

He goes on dates with his roommate and sometimes they fuck.  He has females friends that he talks to daily.  I found out this week, from him, that he has sex with a few other people, in the three months we’ve been dating.  It stung, but he was honest and we aren’t exclusive.

He is more open and honest with me than I would like him to be sometimes.  He is better to me than any man has ever been.

As fucked up as this situation is, it is definitely headed in some direction.  Either we will be together eventually OR  I will have my heart ripped out of my chest, stepped on and then chewed on by a wild animal.  I’m hoping for the former.

He does love me.  This is not speculation on my part.  He has actually said the words.

He is scared to death because he thinks he’s a “Fucker Upper”.  I am of the opinion that every relationship is going to fail, until you find the right person.  I don’t know if I’m that right person for him or not, but I may be.  I’m not sure you have to know, after three months.

I was completely honest with him and told him that right now, right this very minute, I was doing okay with the situation.  And that is true.  I told him that it’s hard for me.  That is true.  I also, very emphatically, told him that if and when I got to a point where I couldn’t do it anymore, I would tell him.  I would not give him an ultimatum but would gracefully bow out.  To protect to my own heart from getting eaten by lions.

I am not ready to walk away from this man.

I will not wait around forever, but I am not putting a time limit on it.

I love him.  I am slowly, every single week, falling IN love with him.

I was very hesitant to write this post.  I have been fighting it.  For weeks.

I don’t want to hear all the things I’m doing wrong in this relationship.  I do not want to hear that if he really loved me, he’d be exclusive.  I get all of that.  Believe me.  But I also know that most of the conversations between him and I, are going to stay between him and I.

No one can understand the way I love and how real this feels to me.  Except him. He gets it.

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