Mass Confusion

Things I know:

He loves me.  I can see it in his eyes and in his face when he looks at me.

I love him.

He is letting me in, more than he wanted to or expected to.

I am getting in to his heart, by doing nothing more than being me.

He cannot imagine his life without me right now.

I cannot imagine my life without him in it right now.

He can’t make me any promises right now, for long term or an exclusive relationship. I don’t agree with his reasons, but I understand that he has legitimate concerns for himself.

I want a relationship with him.  I want to be a couple.  I want him to be my man. My forever or at least a chance to find out if he is my forever.

He is struggling daily with his feelings for me.

I fight back tears every day when we aren’t together.

I know he is sleeping with other girls.  His roommate being one of them.  He isn’t meeting anyone new, but existing “friends” that he had before me, are still there, occasionally.

I am not sleeping with or seeing anyone else.  I don’t want to date.  I don’t want to feel anyone else touch me or kiss me.  I don’t want anyone in my bed.

I don’t know where this leaves me.

I know he loves me but when he says he will not be exclusive right now, all I am hearing is “You’re great, but you aren’t enough”.  Over and over.  “You’re sweet, wonderful, beautiful, amazing, best sex ever, knocking down my walls…but it isn’t enough.  YOU aren’t enough.”

He’s NOT saying these words to me.  He’s not telling me I’m not enough.  It’s just what my heart is hearing.

It is what my heart always hears.

When I am with him, I am on cloud nine.  When I’m not, I physically miss him.  I get sad.  I wonder what or who he is doing.

I am afraid that he is going to find someone who he likes better.  Someone who steals his heart away from me.  Logically, I know if it’s meant to be, it will be.  No one can take his heart from me, if we are meant to be together.  Logically, I fucking get it.

Tonight, sitting here knowing that tomorrow night, he and his roommate will be going out to do whatever the fuck they are doing, my heart is already sad.  Logic is out the window.

Some days, I think I can’t do this.  I can’t be the girl who isn’t enough.

Other days, I think I can definitely do this.  That this is worth waiting for.

Some days, I want to tell him to get bent.  To go ahead and fuck whoever he wants, that I won’t be a part of it.

Other days, I want to beg him to be with me.  To not fuck anyone else and give “us” a chance.  A real chance.

As tough as the situation is, I also logically know that we have been seeing each other for a little less than three months.  No decisions need to be made today.  He doesn’t need to know that I’m  “the one” right now.

It may be time for me to go to sleep.  Keep myself busy while he is on his date tomorrow and patiently wait for the next time I see him.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day I decide I can’t do it.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day he decides he can.

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