I Have Realized My Problem

E: I’m cooking tonight.

Me: Whatcha cooking?

E: You’re gonna be mad at me.

Me: Why?

E: I promised the roommate when it cooled off outside, I’d make lasagna.  So that’s what I’m making.

Me: Oh.  Enjoy.

E: Please don’t hate me.

Me: I could never hate you.  I just wish I didn’t know you were cooking for someone else.

E: I shouldn’t have said anything.  I’m sorry.

Me: Don’t be.  I have to learn to deal with it.

He didn’t respond.  He knows how I feel about the roommate.  I believe him when he says he loves me.  I can see it on his face and feel it when we’re together.  I believe him when he says that they are just friends now, that he is not attracted to her at all.  I believe it in my heart.

So I’m hitting here tonight, fighting tears.  Trying to figure out if I should send him a message or not.  Trying to figure out if I just want to let it go and make him think about things.

While overthinking this situation (which is probably nothing), I figured out what my problem is.

I am so desperately afraid that if I voice my feelings or my concerns or let him know when I’m hurting, that he isn’t going to love me anymore.  That he isn’t going to want to see me or be with me anymore.

Fear runs my life.

I am terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing.  TERRIFIED.

How can I be ok in my head, knowing that I need to be able to voice my own opinion and feelings, without the fear of someone leaving me?  Or not loving me anymore?

I know it’s stupid.

I know it’s completely ridiculous.

This man loves me.  Genuinely loves me.

I need to figure out how not to be afraid anymore.


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