Help

I’m in need of some advice. Please refrain from telling me what an idiot I am.

E and I have had a good relationship, for almost 4 months. He has been completely open and honest about dating others, including his roommate.

I told him from the beginning that I would not compete with her. That I was me and he could either date me or not.

Things have progressed fairly quickly. We have actually told each other that we loved each other and about a week ago, he told me that he was IN love with me.

I have also told him, numerous times, that I didn’t know how long I would be able to be in this situation. I didn’t know if it would be 5 days, 5 weeks or 5 months. I know at some point, it will be too much, but there is no way to tell when that might be.

Its always been hard for me, but right now, the good times outweigh the bad. By a fucking long shot. So I’ve been coping.

When I know he is with her, I leave him alone. I don’t text him and I don’t send him snapchats. As much it bothers me, I respect HIM enough to let him figure things out on his own. I believe that if we are meant to be together, ย he’ll see that and end things on his own.

Well, every time we are together, she blows up his phone. I mean blows it the fuck up. Texts, snapchats and phone calls. He doesn’t respond usually and doesn’t look at her snaps. He’s respectful like that. Last night, she was texting him after midnight. I got pissed. I told him that she should have enough respect for him, to let him be while he is with me.

She stalks my Facebook. She puts pictures of them together as her profile pic and then tags him, so I’ll see it.

Tonight, something happened that has my blood boiling, my muscles tight and it’s making me want to cry.

E and I have played Yahtzee together, several times. He has even played with my family. My mom and my kid. Tonight, she posted a picture of her, blowing on dice in his hand, and said something like ‘time for Yahtzee!’

And of course, she fucking tagged him in it.

I still will not compete with her.

I will not tag him in anything, because I do not want to cause problems.

But my feelings are hurt. He knows how I feel. He knows it hurts me. I know that he can’t control what she posts to Facebook, but he can control what she tags him in.

Ultimately, he cannot control her texts or when she contacts him, but he can ask her to respect him enough to not message him when she knows he’s here.

How do I handle this?

I will not give him an ultimatum. I won’t.

Do I walk away and hope he makes the right decision?

Do I hold on and let her dig her own grave?

Do I tell her she’s a fucking cunt?

I love this man. I’m falling in love with him. I cannot imagine my life without him in it right now, but I also don’t know how much more I can take.

She’s a 46 year old woman who has resorted to high school games on Facebook.

I’m angry.

I’m hurt.

My heart is sad that he allows her to hurt me like this.

Makes me question all his feelings for me.

Makes me question if this can ever work.

Makes me question everything he has said about his situation.

Oh and to be fair and provide a necessary fact, I did text him when I saw the picture and told him ‘I hope you had a good time playing Yahtzee tonight’.

I guess that wasn’t very mature.

He didn’t respond. Logically, I know he’s sleeping because he has to work tomorrow. Emotionally, I think they are probably fucking.

Please help.

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24 thoughts on “Help

  1. Hi, I am new to your blog but I just wanted to say that the way you described this “woman” damn, I thought she would be in her early 20s or something. That is so insanely childish.
    You are absolutely right to be hurt and angry, who wouldn’t be? I agree with not giving him ultimatums, but if he loves you and you love him, you owe it to the both of you to express to him how much this hurts you. If he loves you as he says he does, he should stand up for you and not allow someone to treat you this way. You have enough respect for him to give him space when he’s with her, I would encourage him to seek that same respect from her.
    Good look and I hope this man does the right thing and hopefully makes a choice, the right choice, that favors you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the sweet words. We had a really good talk yesterday, after things got pretty ugly on Friday. I feel much better about the situation. xoxo

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  2. Ask, before you assume!
    Sometimes you need to express all what you feel, feel for him, feeling of insecurity that you may loose him.
    It won’t harm if you tell them all. You need to show them a path, but at the end it will be their choice which one they wanna walk.
    Hopefully, it will be the way your heart and mind has scripted it. ๐Ÿ˜Š

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is a really bad situation… I dont know why you say it’s a ‘good’ relationship because you sound miserable. I think you are caught up with ‘what can be’ with this man instead of what things are at the moment. This might be harsh, but if he thought you were the one for him and he was at a good place with a good mindset for a good future.. he would stop being such an indecisive coward and lock you in. Or maybe that you ‘don’t want to compete’ might be having a negative effect. You have needs (such as a healthy relationship) as well and they are clearly not being met. This is just going to bring you frustration and resentment. It is your choice and no one can tell you what to do. Either go for it fully or not at all… there is nothing to lose.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You keep hoping that he’ll make a decision, but he’s already made it. If he wanted to be exclusive and have long term relationship, then he would already have cut things off with her. You have what you have, and if it doesn’t work for you then let him go.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I was also going to tell you to walk away. There are red flags all over this (and have been from the beginning, but you knew that). Some people are truly polyamorous but I doubt this is his case – strikes me as purely selfish on his part. Tell him you can’t continue in this kind of situation, and you’re saying goodbye.

    It’s not an ultimatum if you walk away – it’s taking care of your heart and standing up for what you want. If he’s the right one he’ll make a choice to come back to you, solo. But if you keep seeing him or having sex with him or connection at all, there’s no motivation him to make any change whatsoever.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Ann. We had a long talk yesterday, after a pretty big blow up on Friday. I think things are on the right path. I feel better in my heart. We’ll see what happens. Thank you so much for your advice. You’re awesome. xoxo

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      1. Yes. Things are definitely changing and I think he finally understands where I’m coming from. It’s slow going, but it’s going. I’m trying to learn patience and realize that 3 1/2 months isn’t that long to date someone. In the big picture.

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  6. There are only 3 ways to deal with a situation.
    1) Accept it for what it is, and for what it isn’t.
    2) Change it
    3) Walk away from it

    All else is madness.

    I won’t tell you what you need to do, I think you’re very capable of making your own decisions. But I will ask you this question: What is it that’s happened in your past experiences with men or dating that has you believe that you don’t deserve someone who will give you all of them? Something would have happened, and you would have made a decision about yourself.. somewhere along the lines of “I’m unworthy”, or “undeserving”.. Have a look..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I have spent years looking in to my past and realizing why I am the way I am. I am constantly working on my self-worth and self-esteem. I’m getting there, slowly but surely. xoxo

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  7. I second what Ann says and was thinking it before scrolling down to read her comment.

    I made the grave mistake of staying in my relationship past it’s expiration date. The “I love you’s” were the kiss of death for me/us….because it squarely meant I was in love with him, but I don’t know how much love he was really free to give me. If I had walked away when things were great, I would have walked out with my head held high.

    Instead, I’m a simpering mess of tears and emotions now, left behind because he was never committed to me to begin with.

    This isn’t a truly polyamorous relationship as all parties are not in alignment. You will only get hurt if you feel like you love him already. You don’t need to compete with her, but you also don’t need to stay in a relationship that is now causing you more heartache.

    These are the signs I ignored…take Ann’s advice.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As always M, thank you. It’s been a sticky situation, as you know, from the beginning. Well, since my emotions got involved. Today, I feel better. We’ll see. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  8. This sucks, It hurts my heart reading this since I know the heart wants what it wants and even if people tell you to walk away you’ll probably forge ahead until you tell yourself otherwise. I know because I did it too with a guy who probably didn’t deserve my love. My only advice is don’t stoop to her level, don’t be childish and immature, playing her games will only feed the fire and looks bad on you even if she started it. Just know your limits and make sure you respect yourself to walk away when you need to.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I definitely couldn’t do it. I can’t even do “no strings attached” if I like someone. 4 months is a long time, so I understand the internal struggle you must be having! I don’t think he will change. People rarely do. I have only been in 4 relationships that lasted 4 months or longer. I left all 4. One of the times it was an emotions-based decision even though I still loved him. I broke it off because he wasn’t putting in a lot of effort, and it hurt me to feel less important. He had told me he loved me, but his actions didn’t match. He was content to get what he could from me, but it wasn’t what I needed – I needed someone who felt the same way for me that I felt about him. Years later, we reconnected and were supposed to go out on a “second” first date, but he canceled last minute. He had not changed. I know he says he loves you, and I’m sure he does, just as I’m sure my effort-less ex did at the time… but you will have to decide if the way he acts is what you need to be happy and healthy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you my friend. I have done a lot of soul searching this weekend. After a big blow up fight on Friday and talking things out yesterday, I feel better. His actions don’t match his words either, a lot of the time, but his actions are better and more meaningful. We’ll see what happens. I know myself well enough to know that I’ll walk away, when I can’t do it anymore. In my heart. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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