I Only Give One Chance

I suppose that isn’t entirely true.

Over the years, I have given a million chances to some people and let me tell you, they never, ever work out.

I have made the decision, based on past experiences gone wrong, that I am willing to give ONE chance, if the situation allows.  People mess up.  It’s human nature.  If someone messes up and they are genuinely sorry, they deserve a second chance.  I don’t mean for murder or rape or dressing up like a clown.  Obviously, if someone dresses up like a clown, I would NEVER forgive them.

The 29 year old is the latest in people who I wanted to give a second chance.

He screwed me over.

We met on April 1st (April Fool’s Day should have been a clue to me) and we dated and hung out for a few months.  He told me he was not someone who fooled around with multiple people.  He told me that I was the only one he was seeing.  He told me that he really liked me.

I had some yellow and red flags that were popping up, but me being me, chose to push them to the back of my mind and not think about them.

Today is September 16th.  I have seen him exactly one time since June 1st.  ONE TIME.  On my birthday.  He came by for some celebratory birthday sex.  That was July 2nd.  I have not seen him in 10 weeks.

In mid-July, I was stalking looking at his Facebook (we are not ‘friends’ on there) and saw the thing that no girl wants to see when they are dating someone who has stated that they are the only one.


In a mother fucking relationship.


The normal thoughts went through my head.

Fuck you, you asshole!

Don’t ever fucking call me again!

Is it me you are in the relationship with?

Well, after a little more investigating, I found out who she was.  Four people liked his relationship status update and one of the girls had a profile pic of them together.  So, using my finely tuned investigative skills, I figured she might be the girlfriend.

I took the above picture and texted it to him.  I decided on one simple word.


Didn’t hear from him.  I texted him the next day, to let him know exactly how I felt.  Didn’t hear from him.

And then I let it go.


He popped up about 3 weeks after that and started texting me.  Told me I was hateful and blah blah blah.   I was very raw with him, with my emotions.  I told him just exactly how hurtful he was to me and how he made me feel completely unimportant and insignificant. That my feelings clearly didn’t matter to him, because he was able to lie to me, straight to my face.

He apologized.  Repeatedly.  Told me he missed me so much.  That I was the perfect woman.

Then, he said these things to me…

I was drinking with some girlfriends and he said (and I quote) “Have a good time babe. But don’t forget you are taken”  He followed that up with an LOL and “I know we need to talk first”.

He was flying home from Hawaii this weekend and told me that he couldn’t wait to get home and see me.  I asked him why.  He said “Because I want to see you and talk to you.  I want to get this straightened out because I think we could have something really good together.

Oh.  Ok.

Last night, he was supposed to come see me, before I went to karaoke.  I had it planned out in my head, everything I wanted to say to him.

I was however, open to having a discussion and depending on what was said, I thought a second chance may be in order.

Here’s a quick recap of my evening.

4:22pm: He texted me and said he was just leaving (I don’t know where he was) and that traffic was bad, but he would try to get to me before I had to leave for karaoke.

4:23pm: I texted him back and told him that I didn’t have to leave until about 7:15 for karaoke.

4:25pm: Oh ok.  I thought you left at 5:30.

I went home and jumped in the bath and shaved my legs.  Got out, fixed my makeup and curled my hair.  I put on my outfit for karaoke and went out on the balcony to smoke a cigarette and enjoy an Angry Orchard.

5:37pm: Smoking and drinking.

6:07pm: Best friend calls.  I vent, starting to get pissy.

7:08pm: I left my house.  Stopped and bought cigarettes and headed up to karaoke.

8:17pm: He texts me.  This exact message.  “Just got work, had a little trouble sorry honey”

Yep.  Fuck you.

It took him four hours to text me and let me know he wasn’t going to make it.  FOUR mother fucking hours.

I didn’t respond.

I haven’t heard from him since.

I don’t know what “trouble” he had.  Maybe his girlfriend couldn’t tear herself away from him.   Maybe a monkey climbed in his car and beat him silly with a banana.

I don’t know.  I didn’t ask.  It doesn’t really matter to me.

He’s inconsiderate.

He’s rude.

He’s hurtful.

My feelings clearly don’t matter, even at this point.

I was willing to give him one chance to explain.  One chance to make it right.

He missed that chance last night.

Good bye 29 year old!!!



If You Are Reading This…


I had a comment on my last post that was hateful and hurtful from someone who has never commented on anything of mine, but stated that they have been reading my blog for some time.

I trashed the comment because it was awful.  If you have something constructive to say, whether I agree or not, fine.  I’ll post it because I know that my decisions aren’t always the best and I look for help.

But because you are an asshole, hiding behind a keyboard, let me clear up a few things for you.

Yes, I did have my daughter very young.  I was 17 when I got pregnant and 18 when I had her.  I proceeded to become a single mom, shortly after my 19th birthday, because her father used to beat the shit out of me.  He cracked a vertebrae in my neck and I decided that saving my life and having my daughter grow up with her mother, was more important than trying to make that relationship work.

Two other quick notes on that (not that you deserve it you asshole or bitch) but I feel very blessed to have had her so young because my grandfather got to meet her, before he passed away when she was three months old and also, I would never regret having my daughter, NO MATTER MY FUCKING AGE.

Being a single mom is difficult, as a teenager, it’s worse.  So fuck you and your self-righteous attitude.  You don’t fucking know me.

Second of all, let me address you telling me that I still act like I’m in high school for putting out on the first date.  Again, you don’t fucking know me.  I go out on lots of dates where there is no chemistry, no kissing let alone sex.  But how fucking boring is that story and why in the world would I feel the need to blog about those.

You want to judge me for putting out on the first date?  Fine, go ahead.  But it is really easy to hide behind a keyboard and throw stones.

Here’s a little fact about me that you probably don’t have any fucking clue on, or maybe because it doesn’t fit in to you theory of me, you just don’t pay attention.  I slept with my ex husband on the first date.  We were married for 10 years and he is still one of my best friends.  And before you get all carried away, I was the one who asked for the divorce.

So yes, you mother fucker, whoever the fuck you are, you go ahead and think whatever the fuck you want about me.

I survived a violently abusive relationship.

I was a single mom as a teenager and raised the best child possible.  She doesn’t drink, smoke or have sex.  She’s got a full time job and pays her own bills.

I was married to a man who I have been able to maintain a friendship with, even though the marriage didn’t work.

I am not perfect.  Never have claimed to be.

I don’t always make the right decisions.  I have never claimed too.

I love sex.  I am not ashamed of that.

I am not pushing E for a relationship.  If you paid attention, you fucking asshole, you would know that.


This will be the last thought and the last bit of attention you ever get from me.


Stop Being So Honest


I always tell people, over and over again, that I just want them to be honest with me.  Men specifically.

You don’t like me?  Say so.

You think I’m ugly?  Say so.

You want to casually date, because you fuck other people?  Say so.

We live to far away to talk about it?  Say so.

You think I’m hot, but hate my laugh?  Say so.

However, I have come to realize lately, that I would rather not know all these things.  Be honest, to a degree.

You don’t like me?  Say our personalities don’t really mesh.

You think I’m ugly?  Don’t fucking swipe right then.

You want to casually date?  Say I like you but I’m dating others because I’m not ready to settle down.

We live to far away?  MOVE.

You don’t like my laugh?  Quit being fucking funny.

These things haven’t happened.  Ok, well the distance one did.  But I think I’m wearing him down.  Oh and he is dating others.  His roommate specifically, but that’s another post for another day.

E is wonderful.  I’m really starting to like him, when I know damn well I shouldn’t.

I saw him 4 times last week.  FOUR.  Quickie on Tuesday.  Dinner and sex on Wednesday.  Drinks and sex on Friday.  And on Sunday, he helped my daughter and her sister move.  And then we had sex.

I’m not complaining.  The sex is amazing.  A-FUCKING-MAZING.  I enjoy it.  More than I should probably.  The sucky thing about it is that I like him as a person.  He makes me feel good about myself.  He makes me laugh.  We have genuinely great and honest conversations, about everything.

BUT, he’s too honest with me.  Here are a few highlights of our conversations the past week.   Good and honest.

I don’t know what it is about you Andi, but you are making me break my own rules.  The other girls I’m seeing don’t do this to me. 

Your friend is really pretty, but I would never hit on her, because I respect you.

I am thinking of where to take you on Wednesday for dinner.  It’s a great place, but I’ve taken a few other dates there.

Please don’t get used to seeing me four times in one week.  I need my alone time and I can’t get too attached to you. 

Even thought it’s a rule to have not anyone stay the night, hypothetically speaking, what night would be good for you?  Not that it will happen. 

Yes, I do fuck my roommate, but only once in a while.  And she really wants to meet you.

I do think you are beautiful and wonderful, but I really try to find the good in everyone and make everyone feel special.

I know he is not trying to hurt my feelings.  I honestly believe, in his mind, he’s just being really honest and that’s good.  Truly, I’d rather the honesty over the lies.  But sometimes, it’s too much.

Let me feel special when you tell me I’m beautiful.

Don’t assume I want to see you four times a week, every week.

I know you are fucking your roommate, but don’t ask me to hang out with her.

Be happy taking me to dinner.  Just pick a place.  I don’t need to know who or how many girls you’ve taken there.

Isn’t there a fucking happy medium out there?

Meeting E and the 29 Year Old

I started talking to E on Tinder.  About a month ago, maybe.

He told me that he was not looking for a relationship, because he was damaged from his second failed marriage.  He was completely honest that he is looking for friends to spend time with, maybe benefits along the way.  He was also clear that he already had such friends.

At first, I wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted or if I could do it.  I told him just that.  I told him I was scared to meet him, because if I really liked him and it would never turn in to more, it would be super hard on my heart and head.

I deleted my Tinder and my other stupid online dating sites, but E and I have remained in contact.  Almost daily actually.

The conversations started out the same way every single online dating conversation starts out.  The basic questions about what do you do for a living, do you have kids, what’s your favorite sexual position.  You know, the norm.  Ok, so maybe they don’t generally start out with sexual positions, but don’t lie, they always go there at some point.

Then the conversations turned a little bit dirty, but not overly dirty.  Maybe a few suggestive photos sent.  Maybe a few “I want you” messages.

Then the blatant, dirty, descriptive text messages.  Go ahead and think that I’m a whore, but those are the best conversations.  Especially if you know this isn’t the person you are going to be with forever.

With everything that has been going on with the married guy, the 29 year old and the Accidental Relationship, I was really in the need for some good sex.  A few beers, good conversation and sweaty, hot sex.

So, I decided to meet E on Wednesday night.

I had been sick all day.  Headache, earache and a slight fever.  Probably nothing life threatening, but just not feeling great.  I couldn’t cancel, because I have cancelled twice and he was starting to doubt my desire to actually meet him.

We ended up meeting at a wings place that has 4091 monitors up on the walls with different sports going all the time.  It was fabulous for me, since I love sports, but he isn’t a sports guy, so for him, he was more focused on me.  Which is also fabulous for me.

We ordered a few beers and sat and chatted.  He is a pretty sexy man.  Not someone you would look at and think Oh My Goodness!  He’s adorable!, but he is sexy as hell.  Shorter than people I normally date.  Ok, he’s my height.  But he’s sexy.  Tattoos, shaved head and not skinny.  I was attracted to him.  And the beer was not helping that.

We ended up staying there and talking, smoking, laughing, drinking and maybe a little bit of kissing, for four hours.  My fever broke sometime in between beers one and two and I was feeling my natural spunk.

He told me that I took good pictures, but that I was more beautiful in person.  Yep, I know, he could have been lying, but I don’t give one fuck.

We had some serious conversation while outside smoking for the last hour of our meeting / date.  We talked about exes, what we want out of life and relationships.  He reiterated again, that he liked me and thought I was very cool.  But that he couldn’t offer me anything more than friendship.  The ‘benefits” were up to me, if I wanted them.  You bet your sweet ass I do! 

I felt really comfortable with him all night long.  Never awkward silences.  Not any awkward first kisses.  He grabbed my hand and held it, walking to our cars.

At midnight, I looked at him and asked him if I could come back to his house for a little bit.   As soon as he kissed me and felt me up, I was pretty sure that was a yes.

We had also previously had the discussion that because he has a female roommate, they had made the agreement that no one would ever stay the night.  They could have people over for whatever they wanted, but no overnight dates.  So I did know that if I went over there, it wouldn’t be long until my ass was asked to leave.  I was ok with it.  I had to work the next morning anyway.

I followed him home and had absolutely no nerves.  That’s how I know my comfort level with him was good.  I had no nerves about going to his house.  A virtual stranger.

Now, before I go any further with this date, I have to say this.  He told me one night when we were texting, that he was a little nervous about the size of Little E, but that he more than made up for it orally.  I was hesitant.  Usually guys who brag about the skill of their tongue, have no idea what they are doing.

We went in to his bedroom and I immediately stripped off my shirt.  Yah, I was anxious.  Stop judging.

We kissed a little and touched a little.  Then I laid down on the bed and he went to work.  OH MY GOD.  That boy was NOT joking.  He knows what the fuck he is doing and he clearly loves doing it.  After the second orgasm, he told me he wasn’t quitting until I got my third.  HOLY FUCK.  It happened.  I needed a chance to breathe a little bit.

But there is no rest for the horny.

The sex was great.  I would almost say “mind-blowing”, but I’m not sure I should say that until the next time.  And boy, there is definitely going to be a next time.

We snuggled for a little bit and talked and laughed.  I then got dressed and headed home, after sharing a smoke with him, up against my car.  We kissed in between drags and he said he couldn’t wait for the next time.  Me either!

He asked me to text him when I got home and I did.  He responded and said he was so glad we finally met and that he had an amazing time with me.  That it wasn’t even about the sex, that was just the icing on the cake.  Yesterday, he said he couldn’t believe someone as amazing and beautiful as myself, would be interested in him.

He’s clearly got some insecurities, which we all have, but I’m telling you, he might legitimately be one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met.  I kind of think his insecurities, make him try a little harder.  He’s just a nice guy.  He told next week, funds will be a little tight, so asked me if he could cook me dinner and snuggle up with a movie.

I’m sorry E, but that sounds like a relationship-y date!  But yes, I will definitely be there.

Now, a really quick update about the 29 year old.

It was July 21, when I decided to stalk his Facebook page.  Right there, in all it’s internet glory, were the words “IN A RELATIONSHIP” as of July 14th.

I very maturely, took a picture of the screen and texted it to him, with one simple word.  CONGRATULATIONS.

He never responded.

I sent him one text the next day.  Basically telling him that I didn’t deserve to be treated this way because I had never been anything but nice to him.  Told him that I didn’t even realize we were playing a game, but that clearly he had won.

He never responded.

Fast forward, exactly 3 weeks since I noticed the Facebook status.


Text message.

“Hope you are doing well.  I miss you”

Are you fucking for real?

I ignored it.  I was angry.  I was sad.  I was irritated.  But I ignored it.

Tuesday night.  Ignored.

All day Wednesday.  Ignored.

Finally, on Thursday, I decided that this was my chance to be honest and get all my feelings out there.  I opted for raw and honest emotion vs. bitchy and mean.  As badass as I pretend to be, I’m not.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Here is the text conversation, as it went yesterday and one response from me this morning.  Which, by the way, he never responded to.




Oh, forgive the horrible spelling and lack of punctuation.

I’m guessing in a week or so, I’ll hear from him again.  Maybe three weeks again.

I have been bouncing back and forth on these messages.

I haven’t seen the guy since the second day of July, and before that, it had been almost 5 weeks.  He clearly isn’t using me for sex.  I’ve never spent any money on him, so he clearly isn’t using me for financial gain.

I can only speculate at this point.  Until he decides to try to explain himself, if he even wants to, I have no idea.  I have a million thoughts running through my head.

Ex-Girlfriend who moved back to town?

Girl he was seeing the whole time?

New girl he met and there was an undeniable connection?

Just a dick, playing a bunch of women?

I don’t know.  I find it hard to believe that he’s being an asshole, just to be an asshole.  He is getting nothing out of this.  Nothing.

We’ll see what happens.  Maybe nothing.  Ever.

Single Crazy Cat Lady


Or in my case, Mr. Accidental Relationship, Mr. New York, Mr. Rocker and Mr. Perfect.  Oh yah, and a fucking hypocritical cowboy.

The normal ups and downs of life are hard enough to deal with, yet men (and I use that term loosely) still feel the need to fuck with women.  I wish I could figure out why.  I wish I could figure out where all the good ones are.  My guess is probably married, stranded on a deserted island or gay.

Not all guys can be douchebags, right?

Although, I have no evidence to point me in any other direction.

I am newly forty and have had my share of assholes, fuck boys and heartbreak, especially over the last few years with this online dating shit.

I struggle with a few things, trying to date in my late 30’s and now at 40.

Lack of Communication

This is not a problem for me.  I’m a good communicator, maybe even an over-communicator.  If that is a thing.  I respond to text messages in a timely fashion.  I check my stupid dating sites for messages and respond timely, if I’m interested.  You ask me a question, I answer it.  Honestly.

What I don’t understand is men who do not communicate.  At all.  They send “hey”.  Or respond with “I’m fine”.  They have no desire to keep a conversation going, but then will send you a message a couple days later that says “What’s up?”.  You know what is up asshole?  What’s up is that you can’t carry on a conversation, so I don’t really want to talk to you anymore.

Walking Away With No Warning

Oh we’ve all been here. Maybe we were even the one that did the walking, a time or two.  It is really hard to hear that someone isn’t interested in you.  I completely understand that.  It sucks hearing it and it sucks saying it.  But when guys just quit texting first or stop responding to you, delete you as a friend on Snapchat, “unmatch” you on Tinder or won’t answer your phone calls, it hurts.

If you are anything like me, you find yourself wondering where you went wrong.  You replay the whole “relationship” over and over in your mind.  You read old text messages, trying to find out when things changed.  You may be able to pinpoint the exact day of change, or you may not be able to see it at all.

When it is completely out of the blue, it can be hard to swallow.  For me personally, it plays tricks on me.  I start to wonder if all of my insecurities came to light.  I start beating myself up for trying to hard or being to available.  I secretly keep my fingers crossed, hoping he got trampled by a herd of elephants while trekking through Africa.

Judgmental People in Relationships

You know who you are.  Please don’t be offended by this.  No actually, go ahead and be offended.  You hurt my feelings all the time.

I’m happy for you that you are in a relationship.  I’m glad that your man loves you and you feel so eternally blessed to have found your soul mate.  Truly, Cinderella, I’m happy for you that your Prince Charming came in to your life.


Do not judge me for having sex with someone on the first date.  I know the old saying says a guy won’t buy the cow if he can get the milk for free.  I don’t fucking care.  I am a woman, in her sexual prime.  Sex feels great.  Or it should.  I enjoy it.  Stop rolling your eyes at me and go have sex with your other half.

Do not think I am a horrible human for having a relationship with a married man or a man with a girlfriend.  You have not walked in my shoes.  You do not know our private conversations or how my heart feels.  If you are going to judge me, that’s fine, just know it isn’t going to change my behavior.

Not one person on this Earth is perfect.  Not one person hasn’t done something they aren’t proud of.  We all have the proverbial skeletons in our closet.  Some people probably have real skeletons in their closets, but I don’t know the story, so that is their problem.

If you are in a relationship, or your beliefs are different, that’s ok.  That’s what makes us human.  Just try not to be so judgmental of others when you don’t know.

Those who live in glass houses, blah blah blah.


I don’t like liars in general, but when it comes to dating, there are few things I don’t get.

Do not lie about your height.  Do you think a woman isn’t going to notice that you are 5’4″ when she meets you?

Do not lie about wanting a relationship, if you are just looking for sex.  If you want sex, fucking say so!  I’m an adult.  I can make my own decision.  If you are attractive to me and I enjoy talking to you and the penis pictures you’ve been sending, chances are, you’ll get some.  Hopefully we’ll both benefit.  But please, please, PLEASE, do not tell me you are looking for your better half, the woman who will complete you and then have sex with me once and disappear off the planet.  I know I’m good in bed, but not good enough to cause you to stop breathing and not be able to contact me again.

Don’t lie about your current relationship status.  Be honest and let me make my own decision.  Let me decide what is best for me and my current world.  Women are pretty fucking smart, and I promise you, we WILL find out.


Especially if we’ve been hurt in the past.

Actually, scratch all of that.  Just don’t lie about anything. Except maybe your weight, cause we all lie about that.

So right now, I have given up on everyone.  I have deleted my online dating profiles.  Didn’t just make them inactive, or hide them, they are GONE.  Deleted.  Completely.

The Accidental Relationship, texts me once in a while, but it’s all nonsense conversation.  I don’t know if he is still planning on moving or not.  I can’t bring myself to ask.  I don’t know that I really want to know.

Mr. New York texted me this weekend.  Him and his girlfriend broke up.  I told him it was because his heart was in California. He wants me to go and see him.  I’m debating.  Although, the thought of saying goodbye to him again, kills me.  It physically hurts my heart.

The married man is still around.  I hear from him randomly.  It’s a dangerous fling for me.  I thought about him all weekend and realized that I genuinely like him.  Maybe even love?  He has no intention of leaving the Mrs.  He and I have never talked about this being more than it is.  We are friends first, lovers when it is convenient.  It’s going to end badly for me.  And. I. Don’t. Care.

And that is all there is.  Everyone else has dropped off the face of the Earth, or I’ve pushed them.

A married man, a man 3000+ miles away and me.  Perfect.

While I’m thinking about it, here is what my future looks like…

I'm the one in the top left hand corner, in case you didn't recognize me.   Also pictured are Fluffy, Spot, Franklin, Thomas, Chandler and Love Muffin.  There are others in the picture too, but didn't want to be tagged in the photo.   <3
I’m the one in the top left hand corner, in case you didn’t recognize me.
Also pictured are Fluffy, Spot, Franklin, Thomas, Chandler and Love Muffin. There are others in the picture too, but didn’t want to be tagged in the photo. ❤

I Am Smarter Than This

When I started my previous blog, about a year and a half ago, I had one reason for doing it.  I have a really bad tendency to mull things over and over and over in my head.  Looking for some resolution.  Looking for some answers.  I will approach the situation from every available angle and look at every possible outcome.

I drive myself crazy.

I started writing because it is an outlet.  For most people that write, I suppose.

It’s a way to get the feelings and emotions out of my head and into something tangible.

I didn’t expect to have people comment.  I didn’t expect to connect with so many women that are experiencing or have experienced the same exact shit.

It was my therapy.

I had to delete my original blog, a few months ago, because I had an old friend who read it and used it against me.  I asked him to stop and he wouldn’t.  It got ugly.  He became almost a stalker.  It was time to let the blog go, delete all the memories, stories and feelings and start mulling shit over in my head again.

This did not work for me.  I missed getting it out.  I missed the connection to the world, to show me that I was ok and not alone, in my journey to find love and all the disappointments that come with it.

In my last few posts, talking about the red flags with the 29 year old, the threesome with my married friend and the possible sex only relationship with E, I realize that I sound a little crazy.

I am a smart girl.  I know the difference between right and wrong.  I will almost always make the right decision for my heart and for the other people involved.  I want to hurt as few people as possible, including myself.

I have turmoil in my heart and my head, just like I would assume most single women do.

I give my heart freely and body probably to freely.

I love sex.  I love love.  I love the thought of forever.  But I also love the thought of a good orgasm.

My heart gets split between men.  All the time.  My whole life.

The biggest part of my heart is in NYC.  My daughter thinks that I am killing time with others, because I cannot let go of NYC.  This may be true.  But I’m not ready to let him go completely.  I’m not ready to take my heart back from him.  Logically, I know he’s never coming home.  Logically, I know that I may never see him again.

The relationships, if you can call them that, with the Accidental Relationship and the married guy, aren’t ever going to go anywhere.  I KNOW this.  I have always known it.  But frankly, I care about them both and am not ready to walk away.

I did a lot of soul searching yesterday, after writing about the possible threesome and the possible sex only relationship with E.  A lot of soul searching.

The threesome won’t happen and I texted him this morning to tell him just that.  I’m not comfortable with it and I know in my heart that it would ruin our friendship.  It is NOT worth it for me.  To lose his friendship and to jeopardize my own well being, it isn’t worth it.  Not even to make him happy, or for some good orgasms.

I haven’t made my decision with E.  Do I think I can do it and keep it sex only?  Probably not.  Do I think it would be worth it?  I don’t have the answer for that.  It could be that we keep talking, have a drink together and both of us decide the physical side of things shouldn’t happen or there is no interest in it anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am intelligent woman.  Everything I do is 100% full of passion and every decision is made with my heart.  I know some of the decisions I make are bad, but sometimes I decide to do them anyway.

Thank you to all of you out there who read this and understand and are supportive.  Whether or not you agree with my decisions, you are supportive and helpful.

For all of you that don’t understand, that’s ok.  I appreciate your comments and thoughts as well.

Some of the most intelligent and put together women I know make the worst decisions possible when it comes to affairs of the heart.  And probably the vagina.

We have affairs.  We have one night stands.  We make poor decisions.  We fall in love with men we shouldn’t and push away men that maybe we should hold on to.  We blame ourselves when things go bad but never take the credit when things go good.  We aren’t perfect, but dammit, we are good.  And smart.  And fun.  And sexual.  And perfectly imperfect.

It makes us human.  Makes us normal.  Makes us all stick together and know that we aren’t alone in our journey.

The Internal Debate

There is a guy that I’ve been texting and snapping with for a couple weeks now.  I met him on Tinder, before I remembered I hated Tinder.

No...not THAT kind of snapping.
No…not THAT kind of snapping.

E is sexy.  He is not what I usually look for physically, but dammit, he is hot.  There is something about him.

When we first starting chatting on Tinder, he told me that he was in the middle of his second divorce and was broken.  He said he was damaged and couldn’t offer anyone his heart or any kind of a commitment.  I thanked him for his honesty and wished him good luck.

He wrote me back and said he would always be honest, because he refused to mess with someone’s heart.  Asked if we could keep texting and getting to know each other.  He said he was looking for friends to hang out with, play pool with and have a few drinks with.  I told him, very honestly, that I could not do the casual sex thing.  Well I could, but that I didn’t want to, because it was hard on my heart when I got attached.  He said he wasn’t looking for a sex partner, just friendship.

So I decided it couldn’t hurt anything.

Here’s the thing, we started texting and within a week or so, the conversation turned sexual, because why wouldn’t it.  We started talking about likes and dislikes, sending some suggestive, but not explicit pictures.

He told me, as all men do, that he likes orally taking care of a woman and is really good at it.  Yeah, fucking right!  You all say that and couldn’t figure it out if I drew you a fucking map!!  But I am hot-blooded woman, in my sexual prime and I was intrigued.

Anyway, it’s been easy conversation.  Talking about kids and music and work.  He has told me that he has a couple friends that he meets up with, occasionally, to get rid of the sexual urge.  They know the other exists and he doesn’t hide it. He sends me pictures on Snapchat, telling me good morning and calling me beautiful.

We were talking about meeting a couple days ago for a drink or two.  I was excited and scared.  I finally thought I should tell him.

I sent him a text that broke it down for him.  I told him I wasn’t ready to meet him face to face.  That I knew myself well enough and that I couldn’t do the casual sex thing, without getting attached.  I told him that since he clearly couldn’t give me anything serious, I was worried.  That I had been hurt very recently and wasn’t sure I could handle it.

I wasn’t sure if he would respond.  And if he did, would it be nasty?  Would it be a goodbye?

He did respond.  And he was an angel about it.

He said he understood and because he was damaged and didn’t expect anyone to “fix him”, that he knew he couldn’t give me commitment and anything more than friendship.  He said that I was amazing and he would never want me to do anything I was uncomfortable with or that I would regret later.  Then he ended the text with saying “Andi, I enjoy talking to you and flirting with you.  If you want to be ‘virtual friends’ for right now, or forever, I’m ok with that.”

Yah, it may be a total line.

I don’t give one fuck if it is, it made me feel better.

Yesterday, he told me that when he “swiped right” and it said he matched with me, he was shocked.  I asked him why.  He said “You are beautiful and way out of my league.  I didn’t think you’d give me the time of day.”

Yah, that might be a total line too.

Again, I don’t give one fuck.

So, of course, my vagina head and my heart are arguing.


I know it’s not a good idea to see him.  The fear of my heart getting involved at some point, is terrifying.  I know me so well.  I get attached.

BUT, I am a hot blooded American woman who loves sex.  I should be able to explore that.  I really should find out if he’s that orally gifted.

My heart tells me I’m a dumb bitch.  I want a relationship, a forever.  I want someone who loves me no matter what.  I have people in my world that I can have sex with.  I don’t need to find someone new for that.

My vagina head tells me that I am a grown woman and should be able to separate the two.  Finding someone to have sex with and a few drinks now and then, is not a bad thing.  I can still look for my forever, without my vagina growing cobwebs.


Maybe E is the perfect solution for me.

Maybe E is someone else feeding me crap to get me into bed.

But, I ask you this, if he really does enjoy going down on women, and he’s really good at it, shouldn’t I find that out?

And on a side note, he isn’t asking me for a threesome.  So that’s something.