I Am Smarter Than This

When I started my previous blog, about a year and a half ago, I had one reason for doing it.  I have a really bad tendency to mull things over and over and over in my head.  Looking for some resolution.  Looking for some answers.  I will approach the situation from every available angle and look at every possible outcome.

I drive myself crazy.

I started writing because it is an outlet.  For most people that write, I suppose.

It’s a way to get the feelings and emotions out of my head and into something tangible.

I didn’t expect to have people comment.  I didn’t expect to connect with so many women that are experiencing or have experienced the same exact shit.

It was my therapy.

I had to delete my original blog, a few months ago, because I had an old friend who read it and used it against me.  I asked him to stop and he wouldn’t.  It got ugly.  He became almost a stalker.  It was time to let the blog go, delete all the memories, stories and feelings and start mulling shit over in my head again.

This did not work for me.  I missed getting it out.  I missed the connection to the world, to show me that I was ok and not alone, in my journey to find love and all the disappointments that come with it.

In my last few posts, talking about the red flags with the 29 year old, the threesome with my married friend and the possible sex only relationship with E, I realize that I sound a little crazy.

I am a smart girl.  I know the difference between right and wrong.  I will almost always make the right decision for my heart and for the other people involved.  I want to hurt as few people as possible, including myself.

I have turmoil in my heart and my head, just like I would assume most single women do.

I give my heart freely and body probably to freely.

I love sex.  I love love.  I love the thought of forever.  But I also love the thought of a good orgasm.

My heart gets split between men.  All the time.  My whole life.

The biggest part of my heart is in NYC.  My daughter thinks that I am killing time with others, because I cannot let go of NYC.  This may be true.  But I’m not ready to let him go completely.  I’m not ready to take my heart back from him.  Logically, I know he’s never coming home.  Logically, I know that I may never see him again.

The relationships, if you can call them that, with the Accidental Relationship and the married guy, aren’t ever going to go anywhere.  I KNOW this.  I have always known it.  But frankly, I care about them both and am not ready to walk away.

I did a lot of soul searching yesterday, after writing about the possible threesome and the possible sex only relationship with E.  A lot of soul searching.

The threesome won’t happen and I texted him this morning to tell him just that.  I’m not comfortable with it and I know in my heart that it would ruin our friendship.  It is NOT worth it for me.  To lose his friendship and to jeopardize my own well being, it isn’t worth it.  Not even to make him happy, or for some good orgasms.

I haven’t made my decision with E.  Do I think I can do it and keep it sex only?  Probably not.  Do I think it would be worth it?  I don’t have the answer for that.  It could be that we keep talking, have a drink together and both of us decide the physical side of things shouldn’t happen or there is no interest in it anymore.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am intelligent woman.  Everything I do is 100% full of passion and every decision is made with my heart.  I know some of the decisions I make are bad, but sometimes I decide to do them anyway.

Thank you to all of you out there who read this and understand and are supportive.  Whether or not you agree with my decisions, you are supportive and helpful.

For all of you that don’t understand, that’s ok.  I appreciate your comments and thoughts as well.

Some of the most intelligent and put together women I know make the worst decisions possible when it comes to affairs of the heart.  And probably the vagina.

We have affairs.  We have one night stands.  We make poor decisions.  We fall in love with men we shouldn’t and push away men that maybe we should hold on to.  We blame ourselves when things go bad but never take the credit when things go good.  We aren’t perfect, but dammit, we are good.  And smart.  And fun.  And sexual.  And perfectly imperfect.

It makes us human.  Makes us normal.  Makes us all stick together and know that we aren’t alone in our journey.