It’s Almost Midnight

Friday night.

Almost midnight.

How am I spending my night?  Sitting home alone.  Watching Gilmore Girls reruns. Checking my phone every 3 minutes.

I texted the 29 year old around 6, to make see if we were actually going to get to see each other tonight.

Surprise, surprise.  No, we aren’t.  Shit comes up.  Says he’s working.  I don’t know whether this is actually true or not.  However, because I had a gut feeling all day that he was going to cancel, I have a hard time believing him.  So I sent a text back that just said “Yah.  I figured.”

Mature?  Probably not.

Nicer than I wanted to be?  Definitely.

The actual text I wanted to send, looked something like this:

“Well, I can’t say I’m surprised.  I knew all day that I wouldn’t see you.  I can’t do this anymore.  It has been a pleasure knowing you, but I’m out.”

…

I met him almost three months ago.  He took my breath away that night and he still does.  When I see him, I smile.  I get butterflies.  The thought of kissing him and feeling his arms around me, is almost magical.  I adore this man.

I have been skeptical of the age difference since Day One.  The very first time we talked, flirted and kissed.  I was sure there would never be a relationship.  I could feel it.

I tried to talk myself out of liking him.  I tried to distance myself.

Now, it’s too late.

I like him.  A lot.  More than I wanted to.

The thought of not seeing him anymore makes me sad.

The thought of waiting for him and hoping he wants to see me makes me sad.

I’m scared to walk away from him and I’m scared to stay.

I haven’t seen him for almost a month.  I don’t think that means we are dating anymore.  Maybe we never were.

I feel like I’m hanging on to something that “was” or “might have been”.

My sister thinks I should ask him where things are or what he wants from me.

My brother thinks that after such a short amount of time, that I need to play it cool and not come off like the crazy girl.

My heart and head are arguing.  What is the right answer to make both parts of me happy?

It’s now after midnight.

I’m going to bed.  I’m going to keep mulling it over.  However, I am going to stop checking my phone.